Serious Boyfriend Potential: Pt. 2

If you need a recap on Pt. 1. Pt. 2 is short and sweet, you're welcome.

Candidate #7:

Name: Patrick Fugit (preferably circa 2002-06, if time travel is an option)

Profession: Actor/teen crush of this blogger

First date: Since I assume he is 17 forever, he will likely pick you in his mom's minivan. You'll get milkshakes and drive to a parking lot so you can watch him do cool skateboard tricks. It will be boring, but since you just recently got your braces off and boys just started talking to you, you'll be into it. Plus, he has long hair, so he's alternative.

Length of relationship: 3 weeks. He says it was getting too serious, but you are fairly certain his mom just wouldn't let him borrow the van so much. 

What you learned: Names of cool skateboard tricks, that starring in Almost Famous so young likely left Mr. Fugit with a very skewed interpretation of dating.

Candidate #8:

Name: DRACO MALFOY (Er, Tom Felton)

Profession: Evil, actor, peroxide addict

First date: Since I assume he just is Draco in real life (movies are real, right?), there's probably a lot of hexing involved. Dark wizard-tivities, silent curses, audible curses. Romance, mostly curses.

Length of relationship: 2 months. You realize that he has been using your toning shampoo and replacing it with water.

What you learned: So, so many spells. There can only be one blonde in a relationship.

Candidate #9:

Name: Peter Dinklage

Profession: Actor, wearer-of-armor

First date: Fine wine, discussion of literature, trying to slip Game of Thrones quotes into conversation without him noticing.

Length of relationship: 4 dates. You get too drunk and start chanting "HALF MAN HALF MAN HALF MAN" which is apparently offensive, though it's just a reference to his Emmy-winning role. Whatever, bro.

What you learned: You're apparently an incredibly offensive person.

Candidate #10:

Name: Justin Townes Earle

Profession: Musician, country stud

First date: Dinner, too many drinks, likely some light heroin.

Length of relationship: No way of actually telling. Tumultuous, on-and-off for a while. So much heroin. You want to "fix him", realize that's stupid, and the cycle continues.

What you learned: You can't actually "fix" a human, heroin is bad, tall people are tall.

Serious Boyfriend Potential

Candidate #1:

Name: Father John Misty (Josh Tillman)

Profession: Musician, former Fleet Fox

What he offers: Good face parts and vocal chords, the dance moves of your drunk dad at a family wedding, the ability to look good with long hair and beard and the smarts to know when to cut that shit off and look better.


Why your parents won't approve: His Twitter is mostly about the procurement and usage of drugs. If your parents figure out the internet enough to see this, they will likely not be pleased.

Why it doesn't work out: Following the age-old playground tradition of "dibs", he's mine, ladies.

Candidate #2:

Name: James Franco

Profession: Actor, writer, painter, all this shit

What he offers: Free mediocre-to-average paintings, infinite taxidermy, you can finally wear that "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt you've had for years and it will even make sense.

Why your parents won't approve: It's awkward to tell your daughter that her boyfriend is like, WAY prettier than she is. Also, there's no way this dude isn't a total douchebag. Doesn't he go to like eight Ivy League schools at once? Are there even eight? Is the Ivy League like a lame Justice League? Too many questions.

Why it doesn't work out: He finds the "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt.

Candidate #3:

Name: Jack White

Profession: Musician, likely a vampire

What he offers: The voice of a creepy, twangy, dark angel, endless Catholic trivia, will never get melanoma, connections to the country goddess Loretta Lynn, the speed and strength of vampire lore.

Why your parents won't approve: Unless your folks are the Goth family of the Sims or keep bottles of blood on hand, they will likely be frightened by Mr. White's visage.

Why it doesn't work out: He used too much of your hair product. Also the pet crows.

Candidate #4:

Name: Michael Cera

Profession: Actor, prime candidate for friend-zoning

What he offers: Finally, someone as into Scott Pilgrim fantasies as you are! He may be on the verge of being too into it, since that was clearly the only time he has ever been or will ever be even a little bad ass, poor kid.

Why your parents won't approve: He won't stop cowering in the corner when he meets them. Never actually makes eye contact. Won't stop crying.

Why it doesn't work out: You accidentally call him George Michael too many times. In your guilt, you friend zone him, though there's no way of knowing if her actually understands, since he only communicates in whispers.

Candidate #5:

Name: Christian Bale

Profession: Actor, loud person

What he offers: HE IS BATMAN, rides in Batmobile, is cracky enough to agree to let you punch Anne Hathaway just to see what it would feel like (answer: great), has some sort of accent (type irrelevant), will talk in ridiculous Batman voice in exchange for snacks and sexual favors.

Why your parents won't like him: They've seen American Psycho.

Why it doesn't work out: You see American Psycho.

Candidate #6:

Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Profession: Actor, Musician

What he offers: THOSE DIMPLES, will sign your Third Rock From the Sun DVDs, can do that thing where you run up to a wall and do a back flip, explains Inception to you, good winkface, can pull off a shaved head.

Why your parents won't like him: He hypnotizes them with his borderline creepy charm and goddamn dimples. They choose him over you when you break up.

Why it doesn't work out: Charm is almost too much. You suspect he is a Craigslist Killer.

"Writers' block" is potentially my least favorite combination of two words in the English language. Mostly because it sucks and is totally a real thing, and secondly because it sounds like the most pretentious problem that does not actually exist. However, I have watched Whip It roughly (read: precisely) four times in the last three days and I know I just need to live my dreams and put on skates and punch someone or something. THANK YOU, DREW BARRYMORE.

That being said, it appears that the dreams I'm looking to live are blogging in a coffee shop at 9 AM after talking to a homeless guy about pavement quality (his opinion: Milwaukee's is low) and waking up involuntarily at 5:30 in a pool of sweat. These dreams are apparently the most easily attainable.

Since I know everyone has been checking the internet every day to see if I contributed more to it, here is a brief list of updates in bulleted list form.

-Turned another year older
-Went back to New Orleans, where I potentially ruined my organs BUT also went to more than one goth bar so I think that healed me
-Listened to a Gotye song that's not "Somebody I Used To Know" and it went pretty well
-Hexed way too many people, usually on accident (sorry)
-Scowled at cameras to varying degrees, usually wearing sunglasses

-Scowled a lot off camera, smiled sometimes as well

-Lived without air conditioning or internet, like a real plebeian

-Got bullied by a 10-year-old :(

-Abused the phrase/word/whatever-the-shit "YOLO" is

-Reluctantly watched every new True Blood episode even though I genuinely have no concept of what is going on. If anyone gets it and wants to help a girl out, let me know. I'm serious.

-Googled "where is rack city" more than once; results still inconclusive 

-Made an evil Sim; it's going really well

-Probably hung out with friends or something

-Ate a shameful amount of Cheetos Puffs (pronounced "poofs" as we all know)

-Watched the three Harry Potter movies I have on my computer way more times than I'd like to discuss. Not having internet at home is bleak for those of us who rely on downloading everything/Netflix

I think that covers the highlights. Did you miss me? But for real, I'm working on a more substantial post. Until then, get super pumped that your life is likely more eventful than mine, minus my new hobo friend, and LIVE YOUR DREAMS, KIDDOS. xoxo, Drew Barrymore

The Importance of the Occasional Pity Party

To Whom It May Concern:

While the phrase “pity party” is generally attached to a rather negative connotation, I would like to take this time to state my case for why the occasional pity party is both healthy and beneficial. I have compiled a list of reasons, and I will share them with you now.

1. Just get it the fuck other with. If something shitty happens, or you get drunk and your feelings come out, or frankly anything occurs that prompts the slightest bit of self-pity, I highly recommend dealing with it immediately rather than letting it linger. If you feel badly about anything, the chances are self-pity will follow at some point, unless you are a robot. You can wallow forever a little bit, or lock yourself in a room with a pizza and bottle of wine and a friend to make bracelets with now.

2. Your friends are required to attend, so you’re not alone. If your friends are even halfway decent humans, they are required by laws of friendship to stand by you with black balloons and Kleenex while you throw your pity party. My personal recommendation is to keep this list of people small, because self-pity ain’t cute. For sure to not invite anyone you might be romantically interested in ever.

Even if you’re someone who would prefer to wallow alone, I really must emphasize not… doing that. If you’re already feeling shitty and you don’t allow anyone to help you, you’re just going to increase the ratio of rubbish to not rubbish feelings and end up being lonely and spiraling. This is not ideal.

3. It is important to not downplay whatever it is that is making you upset. As previously stated, I am sort of awesome at doing the opposite of this. Even as a champion of the pity party cause, I frequently catch myself apologizing for being bummed about something or denying things are issues. It is okay to cry about shit, even if it is stupid. It can be the dumbest thing ever, but it is legitimate if it is making you upset. It is imperative that you do not downplay that.

Everyone has something that they are particularly sensitive to. Apparently my weakness is when a ~*boy*~ hurts my feelings, I revert back to being an irrational 13-year-old girl. I say phrases like, “I just really wanted him to like me!” and “friend zone” and I’m not joking and my friends listen and nod politely until it is over. In the far too recent past, my tactic was to drunkenly call three of my closest friends crying, eat an unacceptable portion of Toppers, and watch only the first half of Bridget Jones’s Diary, like right before things start turning around and right after Hugh Grant cheats on her with the skinny American. (“I GET IT, BRIDGET. SKINNY BITCHES!!”) During the last activity I tend to also narrate the movie as if it is my future, except my version is even bleaker due to the lack of post-BBC babe but pre-silver fox Colin Firth. I end on the conclusion that no life that dark is worth living if you don’t even get to look at 2001 Colin Firth. Or any Colin Firth. Then I shut my computer and walk away and now that is a thing you know about me and can never un-know.

I share these uncomfortably personal tales of self-pity because I really do feel like it’s important to realize that everyone does it to some extent. While I do not condone wallowing indefinitely, and even encourage friends to tell friends to “get over it” at some point, I must reiterate that if you feel like you need a pity party, you probably do.

I will close with a few requests/demands for those who may be invited to someone else’s pity party:

1.     Never ever make someone feel stupid for what they are upset about. It may seem irrelevant to you, but it clearly is not to them.

2.     Do gently tell your friend if they are being irrational. Emphasis on gently. It’s important to know that, even though being upset is totally acceptable, your crazy might be spilling out and it’s good to keep that inside (usually).

3.     Bring whoever is sad food. This is a cliché that holds true. If nothing else, cakes soak up tears well.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this has served you well.

Sincerely,

Alicia Roy

How I Make New Friends

I will open with the following disclaimer: I almost never make new friends. Most of the people in my life have been around for at least a few years, and my friendship process was different back then. ("You will make eye contact with me despite my braces?! WE ARE FRIENDS.") That being said, the reason behind the lack of new friends in my life likely has to do with the process I will lay out for you. Cons: It's a process, and I'm kind of neurotic. Pros: The ones who make it through are keepers.

 

if you survive, we can take adorable photos like THIS

How's ya handshake? If answer is "appropriately firm", proceed in road to friendship! While this isn't a total dealbreaker, it is still important, because my grandpa once told me to suspect that those with weak handshakes are COMMUNISTS. And we all know I cannot be friends with a commie.


Do you think I'm funny? Nice to meet you, I am narcissistic and if you laugh at my hilarious jokes, we are more likely to be friends. Thank you for your time, I'll be here all week.


Are you funny? All of my friends are the funniest people. I mean, no pressure, but they are. I maintain a Twitter 98% so I can document easily and quickly the shit that they say on a daily basis.
Examples: "Boys have better everything in football, but better just butts in baseball"
"Your voice is like a million sparrows. Is that too many? Ok, your voice is like... eight sparrows"
"You look and smell like a sexy virgin. I like it."
"SAD SUNDAY. Our specials are rail gin and tears, blood and whiskey, and godless wine"
(To be fair, these are all from two people and one of these quotes is legally some sort of sexual harassment, but my argument still stands.)

will you Facebook chat me Toto lyrics that are wrong, but somehow better?

 "It’s hard to make friends with someone when he or she is always hiding behind stuff, like sarcasm or furniture."  This is from one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles, but I feel like it applies here.


Do we have common interests? While not a requirement, it certainly helps. If the answer is no and I still want to befriend you (or vice versa), I will certainly try and convert you to enjoying my interests. Let the compulsory Game of Thrones viewings begin!!


Are you a nerd? Everyone that I like is nerdy about something. I am a television/kind of just regular brand of nerd, complete with social anxiety and all the extended edition DVDs of The Lord of the Rings. Also a Harry Potter tattoo. I don't fuck around. However, I have friends who are nerdy about art, bikes, working out, music, etc. As long as you have something you are unabashedly just really, really into, we can probably get along. However, if you replace the word "nerdy" with "passionate", I probably hate you SORRY.


How nice are you? This probably ties in with the sense of humor bits, but if the answer is "really, really nice", we will likely only have a surface friendship. I am kind of an asshole, and quiet mockery is one of my favorite hobbies. If you also enjoy this, infinite blessings! Also, see you in hell. I'll bring popcorn.


Do you bail on plans? Do you hate plans? Fuck you, I am still Type A enough that I like planning things. I don't get mad very easily, but one of the things that always gets me is flaky people. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Other litmus tests. After preliminary determinations of friendship have been crossed off the list, I'll probably gauge your reaction to hilarious YouTube clips and pictures of corgis. While this may make me sound terrifying, it's actually to make sure that you aren't terrifying. You think Teen Girl Squad isn't funny? Heathen! Pictures of corgis have offended you? You are a serial killer, goodbye forever.

How much of a cheeseball are you? I am super cheesy with people I really care about. I will make you mix CDs and write you letters and put pictures of us on my wall. You can either appreciate it, or flee. If you choose appreciate, I am really good at making mix CDs.

Do you require alcohol or structured activities for fun times? It is unlikely we will ever be very close, even if you're awesome. My favorite things are Netflix and silence but I also like human presence and usually food. I hope you can deal with that. I don't have "fun party friends" that I only text when I am going out. I have friends I like all the time, whether we are laying in my bed reading our separate books or going out with every intention to get drunk. I am bad at halfway friendships, oops.

THAT'S ALL I GOT. Now, obviously, your litmus tests and determining factors will be different than mine, but if you follow some sort of equally OCD process for friendship, I can essentially guarantee that you will be pleased with the results.


P.S. How do you feel about weird MacBook photoshoots? Because, frankly, I'm into it.

5 Life Lessons from The Walking Dead

I am almost always late to the party, because I like to watch shows in marathon form. Thus, I just finished season 1 of The Walking Dead. Working on season 2 this moment. I feel like I have already learned so much from this show, and I must share it with the world, or the three people that read this.


1. RACISTS DIE FIRST. Or at least get abandoned first. Don't be a racist, you'll get left the fuck on a rooftop. Reformed racist, you're cool. Also if you are sexist, you'll get eaten by zombies first. Or, if you like mermaids.


2. Women are stupid and incompetent and just the worst. Here's my theory: all the writers of walking dead are recently-divorced men whose wives cheated on them and hate women now. Every female character on this show starts out annoying and ends up absolutely insufferable. Coming from someone who cries literally at the drop of a hat, these bitches cry way too much. It's apocalypse times, not feelings times. How do your tear ducts even have any juice in them? Haven't you been out of water for days?

My favorite thing is also cracky wife (Laurie? I hate everyone) being so bipolar with all men. "Leave me and my son alone!" and "Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?!" BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU ARE ACTUALLY CRAZY. Your hair has remained a nice texture despite the lack of showering and probable humidity. "You can't leave me again! But go save that kid! But don't leave me. YOUR SON." This woman says every thought process she has ever had, and none of them are rational. She's a hormonal teenage girl with a dash of bipolar and a whole lot of cheating ho.

Even when the ladies are supposed to be having a ~*light fun moment*~ and joking about missing their vibrators (OMG ZOMBIE SEX AND THE CITY LOL), they're the worst. Maybe it's also in the casting? Does anyone know? I want to keep watching this show, but it's actually driving me crazy.

Then blond daddy-issues sisters make me want to dye my hair for sheer shame's sake. This is all I will say on the matter. You should know what it means.


3. Your libido will be fine despite the end of the world. My major issue with season 1 is the whole love triangle. Okay, it's the end of the world, you assume your husband has just died and you think he's a zombie. What do you do? Oh, start banging his best friend? WHAT?! Call me crazy, but I feel like nothing kills the mood quite like "zombie apocalypse". Everyone is dirty, hungry, thirsty, and perma-camping, and these fuckers are worried about getting in a quicky? Also, the high risk of zombie attack.

4. You honorable? You bein' nice? You about to get yelled at. Once again, it'll be by the ladies. I really can't emphasize how much I hate how the female characters on this show are written. The obnoxiously honorable main dude (who, yes, is the guy from Love Actually that is in love with Keira Knightley) gets yelled at basically every episode for the crackiest of reasons. Same goes for Hawaiian shirt guy.

5. Science is hard. Alright, here's my real issue. I want to know the origin of this zombie virus. I Am Legend provides a solid back story that Walking Dead apparently thinks we can't handle. I CAN HANDLE IT, AMC. There was a golden opportunity when they made it to the CDC, and we got to see cool pictures of brains goin' undead, but that's it. And even that scene was ruined by immediate feelings talk. I want zombies, straight science, and the tiniest bit of character drama. Walking dead, not talking living.

All that being said, I'll let you know how season 2 goes. I am a fickle creature, but I love television.

an Instagram Appeal

For my friends with Android phones, today marks a fateful day in phone app history--Instagram now available for Android. As an iPhone asshole, I have had Instagram for a while (I am saying that in a dickish tone, by the way), and I still barely know how to use it/why I'm using it. How do you do those pictures with multiple frames? Do people actually care what I'm wearing today? I feel like they don't.

Here is my appeal to you, all Instagram users. Old and new! Annoying and more annoying! Please, help me by following these simple guidelines.

1. You should one take a 'selfy' if there's something REALLY COOL about how you look that day. If you're just hot every day, fuck off and die, the internet already hates you. Here is how I judge when it is the appropriate self-portrait time:
--I spent way more time on my hair than is deemed okay by society and I just want to document it for posterity.
--HAIRCUT~*~*
--Whatever, there are some days where you just feel like being that asshole that knows they look good. (If this is more than a few days, you are just a regular asshole, soso sorry.)
--There never really is an okay time to take a selfy, but we're all narcissists anyway, so just do it.

narcissist in action

2. Don't take a picture of every meal. Food isn't there for looking at, it's there for consumption. The fact that photographing food is a thing that happens is so first world-y it makes my brain explode a little. That being said, I've done it once or twice.

this isn't even a good meal to take a picture of I SUCK AT INSTAGRAM

3. If you're a lady, I'm really into Instagram photos of nail polish. I'm not being sarcastic, this is very genuine. All the guys that follow you will probably hate it, though.

4. No one cares about your outfit every goddamn day. I know we should, and as a member of the world that doesn't give a shit, I am soso sorry.

5. THE MORE PUPPY PICS, THE BETTER!!

6. You don't need a picture of everything. Like, your desk? You see that every day. It's not a very cool desk. I mean, it's an okay desk, I've just seen better.

This is all I've got, because I know no one (including myself) is going to listen to this anyway. Welcome to the club, my little Androids. We're all narcissistic, "artistic" assholes here. Instagram for flip phone coming soon, I am sure.