How I Make New Friends

I will open with the following disclaimer: I almost never make new friends. Most of the people in my life have been around for at least a few years, and my friendship process was different back then. ("You will make eye contact with me despite my braces?! WE ARE FRIENDS.") That being said, the reason behind the lack of new friends in my life likely has to do with the process I will lay out for you. Cons: It's a process, and I'm kind of neurotic. Pros: The ones who make it through are keepers.

 

if you survive, we can take adorable photos like THIS

How's ya handshake? If answer is "appropriately firm", proceed in road to friendship! While this isn't a total dealbreaker, it is still important, because my grandpa once told me to suspect that those with weak handshakes are COMMUNISTS. And we all know I cannot be friends with a commie.


Do you think I'm funny? Nice to meet you, I am narcissistic and if you laugh at my hilarious jokes, we are more likely to be friends. Thank you for your time, I'll be here all week.


Are you funny? All of my friends are the funniest people. I mean, no pressure, but they are. I maintain a Twitter 98% so I can document easily and quickly the shit that they say on a daily basis.
Examples: "Boys have better everything in football, but better just butts in baseball"
"Your voice is like a million sparrows. Is that too many? Ok, your voice is like... eight sparrows"
"You look and smell like a sexy virgin. I like it."
"SAD SUNDAY. Our specials are rail gin and tears, blood and whiskey, and godless wine"
(To be fair, these are all from two people and one of these quotes is legally some sort of sexual harassment, but my argument still stands.)

will you Facebook chat me Toto lyrics that are wrong, but somehow better?

 "It’s hard to make friends with someone when he or she is always hiding behind stuff, like sarcasm or furniture."  This is from one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles, but I feel like it applies here.


Do we have common interests? While not a requirement, it certainly helps. If the answer is no and I still want to befriend you (or vice versa), I will certainly try and convert you to enjoying my interests. Let the compulsory Game of Thrones viewings begin!!


Are you a nerd? Everyone that I like is nerdy about something. I am a television/kind of just regular brand of nerd, complete with social anxiety and all the extended edition DVDs of The Lord of the Rings. Also a Harry Potter tattoo. I don't fuck around. However, I have friends who are nerdy about art, bikes, working out, music, etc. As long as you have something you are unabashedly just really, really into, we can probably get along. However, if you replace the word "nerdy" with "passionate", I probably hate you SORRY.


How nice are you? This probably ties in with the sense of humor bits, but if the answer is "really, really nice", we will likely only have a surface friendship. I am kind of an asshole, and quiet mockery is one of my favorite hobbies. If you also enjoy this, infinite blessings! Also, see you in hell. I'll bring popcorn.


Do you bail on plans? Do you hate plans? Fuck you, I am still Type A enough that I like planning things. I don't get mad very easily, but one of the things that always gets me is flaky people. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Other litmus tests. After preliminary determinations of friendship have been crossed off the list, I'll probably gauge your reaction to hilarious YouTube clips and pictures of corgis. While this may make me sound terrifying, it's actually to make sure that you aren't terrifying. You think Teen Girl Squad isn't funny? Heathen! Pictures of corgis have offended you? You are a serial killer, goodbye forever.

How much of a cheeseball are you? I am super cheesy with people I really care about. I will make you mix CDs and write you letters and put pictures of us on my wall. You can either appreciate it, or flee. If you choose appreciate, I am really good at making mix CDs.

Do you require alcohol or structured activities for fun times? It is unlikely we will ever be very close, even if you're awesome. My favorite things are Netflix and silence but I also like human presence and usually food. I hope you can deal with that. I don't have "fun party friends" that I only text when I am going out. I have friends I like all the time, whether we are laying in my bed reading our separate books or going out with every intention to get drunk. I am bad at halfway friendships, oops.

THAT'S ALL I GOT. Now, obviously, your litmus tests and determining factors will be different than mine, but if you follow some sort of equally OCD process for friendship, I can essentially guarantee that you will be pleased with the results.


P.S. How do you feel about weird MacBook photoshoots? Because, frankly, I'm into it.