5 songs to prepare for everything terrible

Every day, we do things we don't want to do. For example, tomorrow I work at from 6 AM until around 9 PM. No human likes being awake before 6 AM. If you meet anyone who enjoys waking up before 6 AM, you should kill them on the spot. They're fucking robots, and they want to kill you first. Don't let them. Do it for humanity. But, I digress.

To prepare for doing unspeakable things, I have created a musically-based method that is essentially scientific. Combine any of these following songs to make the unbearable activities such as "work" and "school" and "going to a shitty party" considerably more bearable.

1. "Bossy" - Kelis
First of all, I want to live in this video. Now that's on the table, we can proceed. If listening to "Bossy" a couple of times doesn't make you feel like a "boss bitch", you're doing something wrong. Also, for the ladies, I recommend you put on some liquid eyeliner and gold eyeshadow. If you listen to this enough times, the makeup won't become an option, and you'll just do it by default in an effort to morph into Kelis. Not that I know what that is like.

2. "Ego" - Beyonce
If you ever feel bad about yourself, listen to this three times in a row. If you are anything like me, you will go from feeling like shit to being a confidence monster. At this point, my tolerance level is to the point where :30 seconds in I am ready to fight anyone who looks at me the wrong way, because I am Beyonce. So, just watch out.

3. "Fancy" - Drake

This is my ultimate song for getting ready, because Drake encourages me to make myself look cute. It's especially important for these dire times, when all I want to do is go back to bed, probably forever. Maybe I would also watch The League. Point is, I don't want to get ready, and Drake tells me, "Hey, Alicia. You should. BRB time to rap."

4. "Jumper" - Third Eye Blind

So you don't kill yourself because you don't want to go to work.

5. "Green and Yellow" - Lil Wayne

This isn't even the best version of "Green and Yellow", but it's the only one that includes poetic lyrics like, "we shittin' on these fools, no bathroom." BOOM, yeah, Weezy. That is gross, but I am pumped about it. You should be too.

Now with this mini-playlist, you are prepared to take on almost anything. Work, trying to wake up before you want to, going to class, going to an event where you will inevitably be awkward, etc. Go for it. Live your dreams. Listen to mostly rap and one 90s song. It's your time to shine.

Why I will never be popular

Up until about 10 minutes ago, I was very concerned with my public perception. Actually, that is a hilarious joke. I have had a rough time giving a shit about what people think for... a while now. (In general. I still value some opinions very, very much.) This is why I present: Things I Realized Kind of Recently Vol. 1: I Will Never Be Popular, Even If I Become Famous, Which I Will. Is That Delusional?


1. I don't do cool things. I hang out with the same [wonderful] people every weekend. I go to work a lot. This blog is probably the coolest thing I do regularly, and it's not even cool. If I were a cool writer, I would probably chain smoke and drink straight whiskey or something. I would also not do anything actually useful, and I wouldn't care that I'm poor, and I wouldn't like television. I wouldn't be into showering. I'd look like a lady James Franco in Howl. But don't worry, I haven't thought about this before, ever.

I would also have a typewriter, which would send my blog entries to the internet through magic. Damn it, that's probably not cool either.

2. I'm bad at meeting people. Oops. Maybe it's my 13-year-old insecurity coming out in full force, but I am more likely to be known as "______'s weird friend" than anything else after first meeting people. Here's my theory. Middle school days, I was the weird smart girl. I got to high school, and my friends were also smart, so I became insecure even about my own intelligence. Also, still weird. Result: I am a less hot, less confident, less funny Aubrey Plaza. Instead of being hilariously awkward and Puerto Rican, I am white and holding a bottle of DaVinci white wine (2009 was a bad year for everything) accidentally glaring at everyone at a party. Weird girl drinking an entire bottle of wine? She's popular!!

Or I'm making this face, like a smug asshole.

If new people are lucky enough to hear me speak (a rare honor) in the vicinity of people who already like me, they are likely to hear words/conversations that sound like word salad. Example topics/quotes:

• "If you were an animal, you'd be a horse." "Yeah, a Clydesdale. You'd bring the beer. The Bud. The fuckin' King of Beer."
• "Yeah, Jafar was based on Prince. Probably "Purple Rain". You KNOW he was into kinky shit." -Discussing the sex lives of Disney villains
• "Who's Wilson Phillips?" "Just two dudes named Phillip and their buddy Wilson."
• Day of All the Blood
• Usher
• Aaron Rodger's facial hair
• Teen Girl Squad
• Harry Potter: "Accio cute boy! Bedroom of requirement!"
• Toddlers and Tiaras
• ++++MORE++++

3. My friends are too goddamn attractive for my own good. It's no use having a wingman who looks like modeling is their fucking day job. Even the most sparkling~* personalities cannot compete with super attractive friends. When I am out in social scenarios with any of my friends and accomplices, I regress to feeling like "kind of smart, mostly weird" friend (see #2). It's like the Lion King "Circle of Life", but "Circle of Awkward", as sung by me. In the shower.

4. Here are things I do in public (or semi-public): 

It is important to note that yes, the degree of odd varies in this upside-down pyramid of photos. However, it is also important to note that these are all staged photographed moments. Thank goodness candids are rare in my life.

Now, I need to be clear that I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel pouty or especially lonely, and I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone, even though being unpopular is basically a disease. A chronic disease, that will eventually take my life. Like the series finale of Gossip Girl. I will always have my friends who appreciate/contribute to my word salad and still like me. I have Beyonce, who sings "Ego" to me three times in a row, so I feel like a boss. I have Kelis, who sings "Bossy" to me another three times, so I am reminded to kick some social ass before I leave the house. Every. Single. Day.