I love Television, Pt. 1: Arrested Development ("Her?") & Shark Week

Preface: If you read my last post, you might know that I have a case of the crazy eye (broken blood vessel). This is still an issue in my life.

CALL ME OL' MAD EYE

It's getting better, but I secretly think it's kind of bad ass. Obviously, I assumed it was from a bar fight I didn't know happened, but when I looked it up, this is what I found: ‎"Subconjunctival hemorrhage often occurs without any obvious harm to your eye, or it may be the result of a strong sneeze or cough that caused a broken blood vessel." Obviously, I am livid. This formerly bad ass wound that looks like a Death Eater got all up in my grill is the result of a SNEEZE?! I call bullshit on you, life.

Completely unrelated to the "Mad Eye" or "Death Eater" reference, but I'm still really into mah boi HP. So, uh, just stay aware of that throughout these next couple of weeks. Hypothetically, HP2 is playing right next to this window as I type.

NOW, REAL POST, Pt. 1:

If you have ever met me, you know that I conduct many conversations with most quotes from Arrested Development. If you haven't met me, I'm really witty and come up with everything funny by myself.

But in as close to complete seriousness as I can muster up on this topic, AD is potentially the funniest show you'll ever see. I'm talking to YOU, three readers of mine. Before I get to my carefully chosen selection of YouTube clips, I will attempt to use words to describe why this show was/is/will forever be so great. (That's what blogs are, right?)

1. The jokes build upon themselves and the plotline, creating incredibly intelligent humor.
2. Will Arnett saying anything
3. Bob Loblaw, Attorney at Law
4. Ron Howard narrates the show. This is the coolest thing Ron Howard has done since "Happy Days" or any of the other cool things he has done. (A Beautiful Mind is really good too and also Frost/Nixon. Fine, Ron Howard is just really cool.)
5. See photo at right

I now am pleased to offer some of my favorite AD clips. Watch, giggle, if you're anything like me watch ten more times, etc.

If you're not convinced that you need to watch this show now, I probably can't trust you. It is my own personal law. May our friendship RIP. :(

Pt. 2 - THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!:

July 31 begins Shark Week, bitches. Explaining Shark Week feels almost condescending, since it is exactly what it sounds like--a week of shark-based programming. I get really, really into it. For example, every time I have gone out in the past two weeks I have explained that I'm "pregaming for Shark Week".

I now offer you, Shark Week tips + drinking game! You can use any variation of these as you would like.

• Make score cards 1-10. These are useful for shows about sharks jumping in the air, chomping at creatures, etc. Hold up cards as need be. To make part of drinking game: uh, drink with the other hand
• Drink every time they use chum
• Drink whenever they use a steel cage to look at sharks.
• Drink twice whenever a shark rams into said cage
• Drink every time a tourist gets its life fucked by a shark (read: mauled)
• Drink for every underwater camera shot showing a surfer or someone swimming
• Drink every time someone says "prey"
• Drink for every shark survival tip
• Drink twice if it's the most obvious thing you've ever heard
• Drink for every "local shark historian" and finish your drink if you think that's not the best job you've ever heard of, because you're an asshole
• Drink for every Australian interviewed
• You should be drinking Landshark beer or some other liquid with the word "shark" in it

Alright, kiddos. That's what I've got for ya. If you don't hear from me for a few days, I'm either working or doing any number of things in the above list.

Gon' Country and/or to Hogwarts

Hey, blogfriends. AD post is coming by Thursday of this week, to the none of you who were super concerned. I start writing, then go on YouTube and wake up and it's two weeks later. Oops~* Now, the the current content:

Pt. 1: Steve Earle is the MAN (or, alternatively, gon' country)
Pt. 2: Harry Potter is ruining my life (but I'm cool with it)

Pt. 1: Sunday evening, Taylor and I went to see Steve Earle & the Dukes & Duchesses at the Pabst Theater in Milwaukee. Not sure if I have mentioned the Pabst before, but it is a fantastic historic venue that I highly recommend.

Before the concert, Taylor and I focused on gettin' country, which essentially means dressing how we normally do, but with a more patriotic attitude. Also, singing a song from "Country Strong" over and over.

you're welcome

The show was great. They played for a solid three hours. Steve's stage banter was witty and hilarious, and also reminiscent of his son's when I saw Justin live in February. Allison Moorer, Steve's wife, performed a cover of "A Change is Gonna Come" that literally brought me to tears. Fantastic. And to seal the evening, Steve's guitar strap was marked with a "Stand with Wisconsin" button. I love him.

Pt. 2: Roughly ten years ago, a series of books came out. Harry Potter. At the time, I was a young asshole, with the nerdy attitude of, "I read Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter is for babies!!" What a dick, right? Right. I am seeing the error of my ways... now. I am on book three after about five days of reading. So, I'm like, really popular. 

EXAMPLES OF HP LIFE RUINING:

my text message responses ("wish i could use my magic outside of skool :(")

I somehow got a broken blood vessel all up in my right eye. response to "what happened to your eye?" -- "JUST CALL ME MAD EYE" or "wizard's chess" or "wizard's duel" or "whomping willow" and more!!

I am going to Madison for the day tomorrow to spend time with friends but secretly hope at least one person cancels so I can sit on the Union Terrace and read

In conclusion, try to overlook any talk of wizarding in the next few entries. I'm a monster. I cannot be stopped.

SURPRISE PT. 3!!

'Night, kids.

Let's Get Real

Job hunting is the worst. Job hunting in a good economy sucks (probably? wouldn't know) and job hunting in a poor economy is... worse than sucks. I'm not even a real person yet! I just want a food service job! Yes, yes, I am lucky to have hardware store job back, but I need more hours so I can "save" and still "have fun".

Speaking of hardware store job, first day back is tomorrow. Not too worried, except that I have to be there at 7:50. AM. As you may or may not know, it's very important to know how much I am NOT a morning person. I can't even pretend to be a morning person. The closest to liking the morning I come is when I stay up all night talking with friends and then we watch the sunrise. Even then, though, I note how bright the sun is, and how abrasive it is to my eyes. I may be part vampire.

Speaking of vampires, am I on fire with these transitions or what?! Damn it, lost that train of thought due to self-pride. I was probably going to talk about True Blood. Oh, well. It's probably best I don't, anyway, because that's of course coming up in my TV series of blogs (or blog series of TV?), and we can't spoil that. Because it actually exists, I promise. I will not be exiting the home for the next few evenings due to exhaustion from work and subsequent hatred of the world, so I'll be working on that.

This is mostly an entry to show hey! I'm alive! Don't think I'm on suicide watch based on my last entry! Sorry about that! Exclamation!!!

Here's a gift. It is relevant to my life because I hate working out, but have been doing it a lot anyway.

P.S. If you're in this Midwest heat wave, let's pray for each other that we don't melt. 20 Hail Marys GO

Dramatic Phrasing (oops)

WARNING: This post is way more personal than normal. Feelings are involved. Proceed at your own risk. Okay, okay. I promised my Arrested Development post a week ago. But! I have good reason to be late on it. It is as follows: (1) birthday festivities, (2) brief mental breakdown, (3) results of aforementioned breakdown. While this probably sounds really dramatic, and actually kind of... has been, I'm fine, everything's fine, we're all fine, etc.

(1) Last weekend I came home to have a lovely backyard BBQ birthday bash with my friends. Papa Roy cooked, Kelsey made the cake, it was absolutely wonderful, minus all the mosquitoes (which I only mention because my bites are still killin' me).

(2) I drove Kels and myself back to Minneapolis, and upon coming into the city, the sky started to fall. Driving in storms is one of my worst fears. I can't see, others can't, terrible. I kept it pretty together enough to drop Kelsey off at her home, and then promptly began having a big ol' panic attack. Not just about the rain, but being back, not being around 98% of the people who like me, just everything. I finally admitted to myself that I was not enjoying my time in Minneapolis. If it weren't for my stubbornness and the ol' "pull self up by bootstraps" mentality I had been raised with, I probably would have realized and accepted this earlier. But, I didn't.

(3) I moved home. Today I packed up a car full of stuff, and I'm sitting at my parents' house with my dog as I type this. So, in the past week I quit my job at the Daily (sadly), got my old job back at your local hardware store (mixed feelings on this one), and did my best to hang out with as many Minneapolis friends as I could (I did okay). Overall, as soon as I got over the initial shock of my need to do something so drastic, this week was great. I was able to appreciate the city way more when it didn't feel like a prison, if that makes any sense whatsoever. 

So, I'm here for the rest of the summer for sure and will probably be taking fall semester off as well. I have not been in the right mental or emotional state to be taking care of myself and thus... mostly haven't been. If I have spoken to you in the past week and claimed "family issues", please do not take offense. It's way easier to say that than, "Oh, yeah, clinically depressed to a nonfunctional point and need my parents to help take care of me again HAHA!"

That being said, I already miss my Minneapolis friends, but it is good to be home. It has been a rough... long... time to say the least. I have learned a lot about myself, the beast that is depression, and my relationships with others. While myself and my condition have been an understandable wedge in a few of my friendships, the support I have gained from others has really shown me that I am beyond lucky to have who I have in my life. They have been endlessly supportive, and I feel blessed every day for that.

I'm not going to read this over (gasp) because it will make me self conscious and I'll never post it never. I promise next post will be funny again. Here's a picture of karaoke from last night to prove I can still be funny, or at least sing Third Eye Blind AND Taylor Swift, which is almost the same thing: 

5 Pieces of Unsolicited Advice [from someone way too young to give actually useful advice]

Most (read: all) of these follow every cliche piece of advice you have ever heard. Why read these? Well, I'd like to think that as a white Christian college-age female, I have a really unique perspective. In reality, I just saw a centipede crawl across the lamp that is startlingly close to my bed, so I shall not be sleeping any time soon. Perfect time for giving advice that no one asked for, am I right? NOTE: I started writing this at 3 AM this morning. Coherency was at a suspiciously high level, probably due to the fear component.

Maintain the ability to laugh at yourself and your situation. Embrace the fact that you have centipedes living in your apartment. Make a centipede killer with paper towel and a Swiffer you have only used for cleaning once. Show it to friends and jokingly brag about it. (It's not like that's the only thing I can focus on right now or anything...) There are so many things that lend themselves to two responses: (1) complain and pout or (2) laugh about. I have no scientific proof of this, but if you choose the latter I am fairly certain you will live longer. But, proven fact (by no one), you will most certainly enjoy things way more.

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies somewhere else, preferably another continent. Truth be told, maybe it's the lack of business competition fervor power-suit-under-all-my-clothes...ness, but I never really understood the whole "keep your enemies closer" thing. If you have enemies, wouldn't it be absolutely miserable keeping them around? I know I don't want to live like that.

That being said, do keep your friends close. Whether for the aesthetic purposes of having a good-looking bridal party (I'm looking at you, ladies--KNOW YOUR PLACE) or the actual purpose of "not being alone in the world", it's just a good idea. I know this past year, I have had a handful of friends that have kept me as close to sane as I will ever be. They're the ones who assure me that I'm funny, trick me into thinking I'm smart, and notice when I'm wearing my nice push-up bra and tell me what a quality job it's doing.

Don't waste your time with shit that (A) you don't enjoy OR (B) isn't getting you toward something you enjoy. I need to emphasize the reason for point (B). As a college student, I do a lot of shit I don't enjoy. While I actually do like my job most of the time, it is still a job, and we all know what I like more than working--say it with me--NAPPING and EATING! (Thanks, studio audience!) Half my classes I rarely get the point of, but both of these things are getting me to where I want to be. In the case of my job, it's helping me maintain the place where I live, training my centipede army before we commence battle against my neighbors. For my classes, they're leading me to law school which will lead me to a government job where maybe in 20 years I'm able to do something to help fix the broken system that is American education so others don't have to go through this mundane, useless process!! Also, I enjoy run-on sentences. Suck it.

But seriously. I honestly apply this to everything. I use to stick it out regardless of enjoyment, but in this past year my new policy has served me well. I dropped a couple of classes that were making me miserable. If I'm watching a movie and it stresses me out, I turn that thing off! Movies are for fun times, not stressful times. Like Black Swan. Never watching that again, it would break my rule and also my brain.

Don't be afraid of doing things by yourself. This is something I almost always encourage my friends to do. Just because you do something by yourself doesn't mean you don't have friends, it just means you want to hang out alone. That concert you really want to see but no one else wants to go to? Go alone. In the mood for a fancy dinner but none of your friends feel like spending the money? Just go. First of all, it's such a waste of time waiting on other people when you could be out doing fun things. Secondly, in my experience, people seem to think I'm a way more interesting person when I'm out by myself. This obviously lends itself to me pretending to be someone else and inevitably scaring people off... with my charm? But seriously. Don't chicken out.

It's okay to look stupid sometimes. This isn't really advice, and sort of overlaps with a couple of the other sentiments previously mentioned, but I think this is something people dwell on too much. I used to freeze up in horror if anyone ever even mentioned something I did that was embarassing ever, even if it was in childhood. Maybe this came with maturity (unlikely), but I have finally reached a point where I could honestly give a shit if I look dumb doing much of anything. This blog, for example, may be the biggest waste of time I have ever committed to, but I can honestly say I do not care even a little bit. I am enjoying myself (see above advice on life enjoyment) and expressing a sense of humor about myself (see first piece of advice), so I shall continue.

Stay tuned tomorrow or Friday for my first post on television! Like the topic of television, it won't be actually on any television sets. Spoiler alert!!!: It's about Arrested Development. Yeah, it includes YouTube clips. You're welcome.

Loretta Lynn & the Future

What's up, three high class readers? I am back in Minneapolis after being home for 'merica weekend, following Roy family tradition of gathering to celebrate this most sacred holiday. I felt sicko for 98% of the day today, but finally caught a second wind of health about an hour ago. I really haven't been treating my body right, so I decided to start by visiting my dearest Emily at work at Birchwood Cafe. All their food comes from local farmers, thus helping rebuild Minnesota's shitshow of an economy right now! Mmm government shutdown. So here I am, bloggin' at the Birchwood, wondering if there is any way I could physically be more hip. I think I maxed out. But it's awesome, because I have reached my maximum hipness at a way lower level than almost anyone else here! Advantage: Alicia. Disadvantage: Minnesota, the hippest state in the Union.

Anyway, anyway. This post is about Loretta Lynn, AS IT SHOULD BE. I went to see this country goddess at Summerfest whilst home in Milwaukee, and let me tell ya--homegirl still has it. Oh, does she ever! At 79 (or something old), she was up on stage in a huge purple sparkly country queen gown, sounding just as wonderful as I remember her in my childhood. The concert started with 20 minutes of confusion as her kids or daughters or someone that I now hate opened for her with the pop country bullshit that sounded like a bitter, aging Taylor Swift who just happened to have a twin. Honey, just because you are named after Patsy Cline doesn't mean you can pretend that gives you any legitimacy.

Moving on. Loretta gets on stage, killin' it from the first note. She is charming, personable, and as I may or may not have yelled at her 3-4 times, "LORETTA, YOU ARE A QUEEN AMONG PEASANTS!!!" That being said, the crowd around us was not half as enthusiastic as we were, leading me to believe they are terrorists or something. Who comes to a Loretta Lynn concert to stand still and glare at the stage? Terrorists. (This will probably get me on the government watch list. GOVERNMENT, this is meant to be humorous and not an actual accusation of terrorism! Very important distinction!!) Some country young man who apparently sang before Loretta came onstage to do a duet with her, and as he kissed her on a cheek I was also prompted to shout, "GIT IT, LORETTA!" which led to me receiving more glares.

I guess I should mention we were pretty far back and there was no way Loretta could hear my enthusiasm, but you should also know that has never stopped me before. She deserves this encouragement, whether she can hear it or not! Some 98% of Loretta Lynn songs are about her husband cheating on her or being drunk or stealing her money. So, yeah, I WILL applaud when some hot young southern boy kisses her. I will applaud it loudly.

Speaking of hot young... oh wait. When Taylor and I went to the concert, we assumed/hoped/dreamed there would be some hip young menfolk there. This is a fair assumption, since hipsters like old country. I am unsure why this has become a thing, but it apparently has. However, none showed their hip little faces nor their lanky frames at Summerfest that night. Missed Connection: Anyone Attractive at Loretta Lynn?!?!

Theme of the night: shouting and swaying, sometimes at the same time.

Now to the second part of this bad boy of a post: the future. I feel like I have gotten into a good rhythm with the ol' blog. Starting this week, you can expect to be introduced to my miniseries about television (get it?!), and coming soon will be another music post. But also, I seek your guidance, dearest three readers. What would YOU like to read about here? Suggestions, recommendations, etc., would all be appreciated. I have a plethora of useless information up in my noggin, and any excuse to bust it out will be jumped on.

Have a beautiful evening!

girl you know I-I-I...7 Birthday Tips

I must thank you. Apparently at least 1/3 of you three people told a friend or two to look at the ol' blog, because my page views yesterday were the highest they have ever been! I really, really appreciate it. It's probably not evident at all, but I actually put a lot of time and effort into this bad boy, and it's nice to know that people appreciate it. Or that they click the link and glance at the pictures. That's cool too. Here's something to look at:

As a reward and/or punishment for your loyalty, I am proud to present my TIPS FOR BIRTHDAYS!!1

1. Remix "Birthday Sex" by Jerimih with your activities. You know that terrible R&B song that came out a couple years ago "Birthday Sex"? If you don't, find it on YouTube and watch just enough to get to the chorus. Basically, it's just the words "birth-day sex" repeated a few times. The point is, just say everything you're going to do on your birthday to the tune of that chorus. Examples include:

birthday snacks

birthday naps

birthday cats

birthday raps

birthday dance

birthday drunk

birthday Beyonce

birthday taxidermy

Be creative. It's your birthday. Whatever you say, just shout, "THE REEEEEEMIIIIIX!" after and it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. In my case, it never matters if it makes sense, but bitches can't give you shit on your birthday.

2. Don't let bitches give you shit on your birthday. Can't take shit on your birthday, especially from bitches.

3. Have an awesome mama. Oh, wait, not your choice, suckas! But look what my mom sent to me at work:

CUPCAKES wut it do

My coworkers also enjoyed these a great deal and I got to pander for "happy birthday" wishes while passing out snacks. Win/win/win.

4. Do whatever you want. Seriously. If you don't feel like going out, don't. What I really hate about my birthday is how after, everyone feels like they need to ask what you did and act disappointed if you say you didn't do shit. It is the evening of my birthday, and I am sitting in my bed in my underwear in front of a fan because it was hot as hell today. I watched Arrested Development and some Netflix movies. I ate chocolate covered peanuts and maple candies. I went out to dinner and ate a burger stuffed with cheese and bacon. (You read that right. Cheese and bacon. INSIDE A BURGER. It's like a fucking unicorn, in that it's my wildest dream.) It was awesome. But when I inevitably have to verbalize that to people, I will get shit for it, and it won't be my birthday anymore so I won't be able to let out my birthday alter ego, Beyonce. Probably.

me on my birthday, the female version of a hustla'

This tip/rule/whatever also includes how I just watched the season finale of The Voice on Hulu and seeing Adam Levine cry made me tear up. Yeah. I don't give a shit. It's my birthday. He's my birthday angel. Birthday diva. I also watched Country Strong, a film about a country star hitting rock bottom. Funny, because me sitting eating a cupcake in my underwear watching Country Strong on my birthday was probably my own rock bottom. Only time I have ever identified with Gwenyth Paltrow.

5. Respond to as many statements as possible with, "THAT WAS MY BIRTHDAY WISH!!! THANK YOU, ______!" Funny with friends, funnier with strangers. If you can find a way to skip out of the conversation, it would really help.

6. If you want to give yourself a weird haircut, do it the night before your birthday. Due to tip #2, you can't take shit on your birthday. You might look crazy or like a 1980s David Bowie in the video for "China Girl", but it's your birthday. When it's straight it might look like Jane from the 90s hit show Melrose Place.

me

damn it, Charlie

did you get the Melrose Place reference? You better have

7. Eat cake, look adorable all the time, stay a kid forever. Figure it out, man. Through science or magic.

I DID IT WHY CAN'T YOU

That's what I got for birthday tips (did you sing it? you were supposed to).

It's not my birthday anymore. RIP, Beyonce alter ego. See ya next year.