girl you know I-I-I...7 Birthday Tips

I must thank you. Apparently at least 1/3 of you three people told a friend or two to look at the ol' blog, because my page views yesterday were the highest they have ever been! I really, really appreciate it. It's probably not evident at all, but I actually put a lot of time and effort into this bad boy, and it's nice to know that people appreciate it. Or that they click the link and glance at the pictures. That's cool too. Here's something to look at:

As a reward and/or punishment for your loyalty, I am proud to present my TIPS FOR BIRTHDAYS!!1

1. Remix "Birthday Sex" by Jerimih with your activities. You know that terrible R&B song that came out a couple years ago "Birthday Sex"? If you don't, find it on YouTube and watch just enough to get to the chorus. Basically, it's just the words "birth-day sex" repeated a few times. The point is, just say everything you're going to do on your birthday to the tune of that chorus. Examples include:

birthday snacks

birthday naps

birthday cats

birthday raps

birthday dance

birthday drunk

birthday Beyonce

birthday taxidermy

Be creative. It's your birthday. Whatever you say, just shout, "THE REEEEEEMIIIIIX!" after and it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. In my case, it never matters if it makes sense, but bitches can't give you shit on your birthday.

2. Don't let bitches give you shit on your birthday. Can't take shit on your birthday, especially from bitches.

3. Have an awesome mama. Oh, wait, not your choice, suckas! But look what my mom sent to me at work:

CUPCAKES wut it do

My coworkers also enjoyed these a great deal and I got to pander for "happy birthday" wishes while passing out snacks. Win/win/win.

4. Do whatever you want. Seriously. If you don't feel like going out, don't. What I really hate about my birthday is how after, everyone feels like they need to ask what you did and act disappointed if you say you didn't do shit. It is the evening of my birthday, and I am sitting in my bed in my underwear in front of a fan because it was hot as hell today. I watched Arrested Development and some Netflix movies. I ate chocolate covered peanuts and maple candies. I went out to dinner and ate a burger stuffed with cheese and bacon. (You read that right. Cheese and bacon. INSIDE A BURGER. It's like a fucking unicorn, in that it's my wildest dream.) It was awesome. But when I inevitably have to verbalize that to people, I will get shit for it, and it won't be my birthday anymore so I won't be able to let out my birthday alter ego, Beyonce. Probably.

me on my birthday, the female version of a hustla'

This tip/rule/whatever also includes how I just watched the season finale of The Voice on Hulu and seeing Adam Levine cry made me tear up. Yeah. I don't give a shit. It's my birthday. He's my birthday angel. Birthday diva. I also watched Country Strong, a film about a country star hitting rock bottom. Funny, because me sitting eating a cupcake in my underwear watching Country Strong on my birthday was probably my own rock bottom. Only time I have ever identified with Gwenyth Paltrow.

5. Respond to as many statements as possible with, "THAT WAS MY BIRTHDAY WISH!!! THANK YOU, ______!" Funny with friends, funnier with strangers. If you can find a way to skip out of the conversation, it would really help.

6. If you want to give yourself a weird haircut, do it the night before your birthday. Due to tip #2, you can't take shit on your birthday. You might look crazy or like a 1980s David Bowie in the video for "China Girl", but it's your birthday. When it's straight it might look like Jane from the 90s hit show Melrose Place.

me

damn it, Charlie

did you get the Melrose Place reference? You better have

7. Eat cake, look adorable all the time, stay a kid forever. Figure it out, man. Through science or magic.

I DID IT WHY CAN'T YOU

That's what I got for birthday tips (did you sing it? you were supposed to).

It's not my birthday anymore. RIP, Beyonce alter ego. See ya next year.