Appropriately Filtering Your Facebook

Facebook is good for a lot of things. Seeing which popular kids from high school got fat (almost all of them), mild to moderate internet stalking of your ex, sending YouTube clips of kittens to friends and acquaintances, etc. Otherwise, it's bad. It's very, very bad. There are ENDLESS opportunities in which you can make an ass of yourself to all of Internet friendship. Thus, let's all consider filtering our shit. Now, I can guarantee I will not do this, because of lazy, but I'll give y'all this unsolicited advice anyway.

Family Members

What they can see: Uh, nothing. Maybe like profile pictures where you look cute and aren't double-fisting two bottles of wine and statuses talking about how well school is going or how you love your job. In other words, nothing.
Make sure to hide: Nearly every tagged picture (or, god forbid, video) of you. Anything you post after 1 AM. Your Spotify history ("Who is ______, a rock group?" "Why do you have a playlist called 'Ladies Getting Head'? Who is Lil Wayne?"). Check-ins that are 98% bars.

Exes

What they can see: Keep in minimal. The less it looks like you're on the Internet, the cooler it makes you seem. Or it makes you seem kidnapped and murdered, which is super intriguing and will make them sad or something. Win/win!! Just kidding, but actually just emphasize how attractive you are and everyone you hang out with. Also, look worldly. What I'm saying is, learn Photoshop. Check-ins at concerts. Statuses about dates you're going on that totally aren't made up.

Make sure to hide: The status you posted about how you were listening to the "Ladies Getting Head" Spotify playlist while you were getting ready and eating cold pizza and you stabbed your eye with mascara so your eyes started watering so it looked like you were sitting on the floor, crying and eating cold pizza, crying to Lil Kim's "Suck My Dick". Don't tell them that.

Employers

What they can see: DON'T DO IT. NO. BAD.

Make sure to hide: EVERYTHING, THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Friends

What they can see: Everything, man. They already like you. I mean, real friends, not just Internet friends. The ones who, if they see too much Taylor Swift on Spotify, know you're probably crying in the shower with a glass or six of wine and that they should come over and help. The people who will not judge you for your drunk statuses saying "HEY ANYONE WANNA CUDDLE" that you delete as soon as you're sober. The ones who understand that the Internet is hard, and life is hard, and feelings are feelings.

Make sure to hide: Apparently, some assholes think it's funny to 'like' every time a certain person (read: it's me, I'm the person) listens to her "Booty Bumpin Beats" playlist when this person is just trying to jam out.

Crushes

What they can see: Cute profile pictures, cute photos of you having an appropriate non-alcoholic amount of fun with attractive friends, but no one who is way more attractive than you. Witty Facebook statuses, nothing after 1 AM. Links you post to trendy~* music. Spotify listening that isn't Taylor Swift.
Make sure to hide: Most of what you say, because it's not as funny as you think to most people. Maybe text your friends your hilarious anecdotes until you have tricked crush into liking you back, then it's fair game. Hide pictures of you double-fisting drinks and cupcakes.


  Acceptable:

Serious. Posed. Showered. Homeboys wanna date the hell outta that (in theory).

 Unacceptable:

Why is there more than one photo in which I have a drink in one hand and a cupcake in the other. WHY. Like, I get why it happened, but photos do not need to document this.