Serious Boyfriend Potential: Pt. 2

If you need a recap on Pt. 1. Pt. 2 is short and sweet, you're welcome.

Candidate #7:

Name: Patrick Fugit (preferably circa 2002-06, if time travel is an option)

Profession: Actor/teen crush of this blogger

First date: Since I assume he is 17 forever, he will likely pick you in his mom's minivan. You'll get milkshakes and drive to a parking lot so you can watch him do cool skateboard tricks. It will be boring, but since you just recently got your braces off and boys just started talking to you, you'll be into it. Plus, he has long hair, so he's alternative.

Length of relationship: 3 weeks. He says it was getting too serious, but you are fairly certain his mom just wouldn't let him borrow the van so much. 

What you learned: Names of cool skateboard tricks, that starring in Almost Famous so young likely left Mr. Fugit with a very skewed interpretation of dating.

Candidate #8:

Name: DRACO MALFOY (Er, Tom Felton)

Profession: Evil, actor, peroxide addict

First date: Since I assume he just is Draco in real life (movies are real, right?), there's probably a lot of hexing involved. Dark wizard-tivities, silent curses, audible curses. Romance, mostly curses.

Length of relationship: 2 months. You realize that he has been using your toning shampoo and replacing it with water.

What you learned: So, so many spells. There can only be one blonde in a relationship.

Candidate #9:

Name: Peter Dinklage

Profession: Actor, wearer-of-armor

First date: Fine wine, discussion of literature, trying to slip Game of Thrones quotes into conversation without him noticing.

Length of relationship: 4 dates. You get too drunk and start chanting "HALF MAN HALF MAN HALF MAN" which is apparently offensive, though it's just a reference to his Emmy-winning role. Whatever, bro.

What you learned: You're apparently an incredibly offensive person.

Candidate #10:

Name: Justin Townes Earle

Profession: Musician, country stud

First date: Dinner, too many drinks, likely some light heroin.

Length of relationship: No way of actually telling. Tumultuous, on-and-off for a while. So much heroin. You want to "fix him", realize that's stupid, and the cycle continues.

What you learned: You can't actually "fix" a human, heroin is bad, tall people are tall.

Serious Boyfriend Potential

Candidate #1:

Name: Father John Misty (Josh Tillman)

Profession: Musician, former Fleet Fox

What he offers: Good face parts and vocal chords, the dance moves of your drunk dad at a family wedding, the ability to look good with long hair and beard and the smarts to know when to cut that shit off and look better.


Why your parents won't approve: His Twitter is mostly about the procurement and usage of drugs. If your parents figure out the internet enough to see this, they will likely not be pleased.

Why it doesn't work out: Following the age-old playground tradition of "dibs", he's mine, ladies.

Candidate #2:

Name: James Franco

Profession: Actor, writer, painter, all this shit

What he offers: Free mediocre-to-average paintings, infinite taxidermy, you can finally wear that "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt you've had for years and it will even make sense.

Why your parents won't approve: It's awkward to tell your daughter that her boyfriend is like, WAY prettier than she is. Also, there's no way this dude isn't a total douchebag. Doesn't he go to like eight Ivy League schools at once? Are there even eight? Is the Ivy League like a lame Justice League? Too many questions.

Why it doesn't work out: He finds the "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt.

Candidate #3:

Name: Jack White

Profession: Musician, likely a vampire

What he offers: The voice of a creepy, twangy, dark angel, endless Catholic trivia, will never get melanoma, connections to the country goddess Loretta Lynn, the speed and strength of vampire lore.

Why your parents won't approve: Unless your folks are the Goth family of the Sims or keep bottles of blood on hand, they will likely be frightened by Mr. White's visage.

Why it doesn't work out: He used too much of your hair product. Also the pet crows.

Candidate #4:

Name: Michael Cera

Profession: Actor, prime candidate for friend-zoning

What he offers: Finally, someone as into Scott Pilgrim fantasies as you are! He may be on the verge of being too into it, since that was clearly the only time he has ever been or will ever be even a little bad ass, poor kid.

Why your parents won't approve: He won't stop cowering in the corner when he meets them. Never actually makes eye contact. Won't stop crying.

Why it doesn't work out: You accidentally call him George Michael too many times. In your guilt, you friend zone him, though there's no way of knowing if her actually understands, since he only communicates in whispers.

Candidate #5:

Name: Christian Bale

Profession: Actor, loud person

What he offers: HE IS BATMAN, rides in Batmobile, is cracky enough to agree to let you punch Anne Hathaway just to see what it would feel like (answer: great), has some sort of accent (type irrelevant), will talk in ridiculous Batman voice in exchange for snacks and sexual favors.

Why your parents won't like him: They've seen American Psycho.

Why it doesn't work out: You see American Psycho.

Candidate #6:

Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Profession: Actor, Musician

What he offers: THOSE DIMPLES, will sign your Third Rock From the Sun DVDs, can do that thing where you run up to a wall and do a back flip, explains Inception to you, good winkface, can pull off a shaved head.

Why your parents won't like him: He hypnotizes them with his borderline creepy charm and goddamn dimples. They choose him over you when you break up.

Why it doesn't work out: Charm is almost too much. You suspect he is a Craigslist Killer.

"Writers' block" is potentially my least favorite combination of two words in the English language. Mostly because it sucks and is totally a real thing, and secondly because it sounds like the most pretentious problem that does not actually exist. However, I have watched Whip It roughly (read: precisely) four times in the last three days and I know I just need to live my dreams and put on skates and punch someone or something. THANK YOU, DREW BARRYMORE.

That being said, it appears that the dreams I'm looking to live are blogging in a coffee shop at 9 AM after talking to a homeless guy about pavement quality (his opinion: Milwaukee's is low) and waking up involuntarily at 5:30 in a pool of sweat. These dreams are apparently the most easily attainable.

Since I know everyone has been checking the internet every day to see if I contributed more to it, here is a brief list of updates in bulleted list form.

-Turned another year older
-Went back to New Orleans, where I potentially ruined my organs BUT also went to more than one goth bar so I think that healed me
-Listened to a Gotye song that's not "Somebody I Used To Know" and it went pretty well
-Hexed way too many people, usually on accident (sorry)
-Scowled at cameras to varying degrees, usually wearing sunglasses

-Scowled a lot off camera, smiled sometimes as well

-Lived without air conditioning or internet, like a real plebeian

-Got bullied by a 10-year-old :(

-Abused the phrase/word/whatever-the-shit "YOLO" is

-Reluctantly watched every new True Blood episode even though I genuinely have no concept of what is going on. If anyone gets it and wants to help a girl out, let me know. I'm serious.

-Googled "where is rack city" more than once; results still inconclusive 

-Made an evil Sim; it's going really well

-Probably hung out with friends or something

-Ate a shameful amount of Cheetos Puffs (pronounced "poofs" as we all know)

-Watched the three Harry Potter movies I have on my computer way more times than I'd like to discuss. Not having internet at home is bleak for those of us who rely on downloading everything/Netflix

I think that covers the highlights. Did you miss me? But for real, I'm working on a more substantial post. Until then, get super pumped that your life is likely more eventful than mine, minus my new hobo friend, and LIVE YOUR DREAMS, KIDDOS. xoxo, Drew Barrymore