How I Make New Friends

I will open with the following disclaimer: I almost never make new friends. Most of the people in my life have been around for at least a few years, and my friendship process was different back then. ("You will make eye contact with me despite my braces?! WE ARE FRIENDS.") That being said, the reason behind the lack of new friends in my life likely has to do with the process I will lay out for you. Cons: It's a process, and I'm kind of neurotic. Pros: The ones who make it through are keepers.

 

if you survive, we can take adorable photos like THIS

How's ya handshake? If answer is "appropriately firm", proceed in road to friendship! While this isn't a total dealbreaker, it is still important, because my grandpa once told me to suspect that those with weak handshakes are COMMUNISTS. And we all know I cannot be friends with a commie.


Do you think I'm funny? Nice to meet you, I am narcissistic and if you laugh at my hilarious jokes, we are more likely to be friends. Thank you for your time, I'll be here all week.


Are you funny? All of my friends are the funniest people. I mean, no pressure, but they are. I maintain a Twitter 98% so I can document easily and quickly the shit that they say on a daily basis.
Examples: "Boys have better everything in football, but better just butts in baseball"
"Your voice is like a million sparrows. Is that too many? Ok, your voice is like... eight sparrows"
"You look and smell like a sexy virgin. I like it."
"SAD SUNDAY. Our specials are rail gin and tears, blood and whiskey, and godless wine"
(To be fair, these are all from two people and one of these quotes is legally some sort of sexual harassment, but my argument still stands.)

will you Facebook chat me Toto lyrics that are wrong, but somehow better?

 "It’s hard to make friends with someone when he or she is always hiding behind stuff, like sarcasm or furniture."  This is from one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles, but I feel like it applies here.


Do we have common interests? While not a requirement, it certainly helps. If the answer is no and I still want to befriend you (or vice versa), I will certainly try and convert you to enjoying my interests. Let the compulsory Game of Thrones viewings begin!!


Are you a nerd? Everyone that I like is nerdy about something. I am a television/kind of just regular brand of nerd, complete with social anxiety and all the extended edition DVDs of The Lord of the Rings. Also a Harry Potter tattoo. I don't fuck around. However, I have friends who are nerdy about art, bikes, working out, music, etc. As long as you have something you are unabashedly just really, really into, we can probably get along. However, if you replace the word "nerdy" with "passionate", I probably hate you SORRY.


How nice are you? This probably ties in with the sense of humor bits, but if the answer is "really, really nice", we will likely only have a surface friendship. I am kind of an asshole, and quiet mockery is one of my favorite hobbies. If you also enjoy this, infinite blessings! Also, see you in hell. I'll bring popcorn.


Do you bail on plans? Do you hate plans? Fuck you, I am still Type A enough that I like planning things. I don't get mad very easily, but one of the things that always gets me is flaky people. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Other litmus tests. After preliminary determinations of friendship have been crossed off the list, I'll probably gauge your reaction to hilarious YouTube clips and pictures of corgis. While this may make me sound terrifying, it's actually to make sure that you aren't terrifying. You think Teen Girl Squad isn't funny? Heathen! Pictures of corgis have offended you? You are a serial killer, goodbye forever.

How much of a cheeseball are you? I am super cheesy with people I really care about. I will make you mix CDs and write you letters and put pictures of us on my wall. You can either appreciate it, or flee. If you choose appreciate, I am really good at making mix CDs.

Do you require alcohol or structured activities for fun times? It is unlikely we will ever be very close, even if you're awesome. My favorite things are Netflix and silence but I also like human presence and usually food. I hope you can deal with that. I don't have "fun party friends" that I only text when I am going out. I have friends I like all the time, whether we are laying in my bed reading our separate books or going out with every intention to get drunk. I am bad at halfway friendships, oops.

THAT'S ALL I GOT. Now, obviously, your litmus tests and determining factors will be different than mine, but if you follow some sort of equally OCD process for friendship, I can essentially guarantee that you will be pleased with the results.


P.S. How do you feel about weird MacBook photoshoots? Because, frankly, I'm into it.

5 Life Lessons from The Walking Dead

I am almost always late to the party, because I like to watch shows in marathon form. Thus, I just finished season 1 of The Walking Dead. Working on season 2 this moment. I feel like I have already learned so much from this show, and I must share it with the world, or the three people that read this.


1. RACISTS DIE FIRST. Or at least get abandoned first. Don't be a racist, you'll get left the fuck on a rooftop. Reformed racist, you're cool. Also if you are sexist, you'll get eaten by zombies first. Or, if you like mermaids.


2. Women are stupid and incompetent and just the worst. Here's my theory: all the writers of walking dead are recently-divorced men whose wives cheated on them and hate women now. Every female character on this show starts out annoying and ends up absolutely insufferable. Coming from someone who cries literally at the drop of a hat, these bitches cry way too much. It's apocalypse times, not feelings times. How do your tear ducts even have any juice in them? Haven't you been out of water for days?

My favorite thing is also cracky wife (Laurie? I hate everyone) being so bipolar with all men. "Leave me and my son alone!" and "Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?!" BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU ARE ACTUALLY CRAZY. Your hair has remained a nice texture despite the lack of showering and probable humidity. "You can't leave me again! But go save that kid! But don't leave me. YOUR SON." This woman says every thought process she has ever had, and none of them are rational. She's a hormonal teenage girl with a dash of bipolar and a whole lot of cheating ho.

Even when the ladies are supposed to be having a ~*light fun moment*~ and joking about missing their vibrators (OMG ZOMBIE SEX AND THE CITY LOL), they're the worst. Maybe it's also in the casting? Does anyone know? I want to keep watching this show, but it's actually driving me crazy.

Then blond daddy-issues sisters make me want to dye my hair for sheer shame's sake. This is all I will say on the matter. You should know what it means.


3. Your libido will be fine despite the end of the world. My major issue with season 1 is the whole love triangle. Okay, it's the end of the world, you assume your husband has just died and you think he's a zombie. What do you do? Oh, start banging his best friend? WHAT?! Call me crazy, but I feel like nothing kills the mood quite like "zombie apocalypse". Everyone is dirty, hungry, thirsty, and perma-camping, and these fuckers are worried about getting in a quicky? Also, the high risk of zombie attack.

4. You honorable? You bein' nice? You about to get yelled at. Once again, it'll be by the ladies. I really can't emphasize how much I hate how the female characters on this show are written. The obnoxiously honorable main dude (who, yes, is the guy from Love Actually that is in love with Keira Knightley) gets yelled at basically every episode for the crackiest of reasons. Same goes for Hawaiian shirt guy.

5. Science is hard. Alright, here's my real issue. I want to know the origin of this zombie virus. I Am Legend provides a solid back story that Walking Dead apparently thinks we can't handle. I CAN HANDLE IT, AMC. There was a golden opportunity when they made it to the CDC, and we got to see cool pictures of brains goin' undead, but that's it. And even that scene was ruined by immediate feelings talk. I want zombies, straight science, and the tiniest bit of character drama. Walking dead, not talking living.

All that being said, I'll let you know how season 2 goes. I am a fickle creature, but I love television.

an Instagram Appeal

For my friends with Android phones, today marks a fateful day in phone app history--Instagram now available for Android. As an iPhone asshole, I have had Instagram for a while (I am saying that in a dickish tone, by the way), and I still barely know how to use it/why I'm using it. How do you do those pictures with multiple frames? Do people actually care what I'm wearing today? I feel like they don't.

Here is my appeal to you, all Instagram users. Old and new! Annoying and more annoying! Please, help me by following these simple guidelines.

1. You should one take a 'selfy' if there's something REALLY COOL about how you look that day. If you're just hot every day, fuck off and die, the internet already hates you. Here is how I judge when it is the appropriate self-portrait time:
--I spent way more time on my hair than is deemed okay by society and I just want to document it for posterity.
--HAIRCUT~*~*
--Whatever, there are some days where you just feel like being that asshole that knows they look good. (If this is more than a few days, you are just a regular asshole, soso sorry.)
--There never really is an okay time to take a selfy, but we're all narcissists anyway, so just do it.

narcissist in action

2. Don't take a picture of every meal. Food isn't there for looking at, it's there for consumption. The fact that photographing food is a thing that happens is so first world-y it makes my brain explode a little. That being said, I've done it once or twice.

this isn't even a good meal to take a picture of I SUCK AT INSTAGRAM

3. If you're a lady, I'm really into Instagram photos of nail polish. I'm not being sarcastic, this is very genuine. All the guys that follow you will probably hate it, though.

4. No one cares about your outfit every goddamn day. I know we should, and as a member of the world that doesn't give a shit, I am soso sorry.

5. THE MORE PUPPY PICS, THE BETTER!!

6. You don't need a picture of everything. Like, your desk? You see that every day. It's not a very cool desk. I mean, it's an okay desk, I've just seen better.

This is all I've got, because I know no one (including myself) is going to listen to this anyway. Welcome to the club, my little Androids. We're all narcissistic, "artistic" assholes here. Instagram for flip phone coming soon, I am sure.