Serious Boyfriend Potential

Candidate #1:

Name: Father John Misty (Josh Tillman)

Profession: Musician, former Fleet Fox

What he offers: Good face parts and vocal chords, the dance moves of your drunk dad at a family wedding, the ability to look good with long hair and beard and the smarts to know when to cut that shit off and look better.


Why your parents won't approve: His Twitter is mostly about the procurement and usage of drugs. If your parents figure out the internet enough to see this, they will likely not be pleased.

Why it doesn't work out: Following the age-old playground tradition of "dibs", he's mine, ladies.

Candidate #2:

Name: James Franco

Profession: Actor, writer, painter, all this shit

What he offers: Free mediocre-to-average paintings, infinite taxidermy, you can finally wear that "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt you've had for years and it will even make sense.

Why your parents won't approve: It's awkward to tell your daughter that her boyfriend is like, WAY prettier than she is. Also, there's no way this dude isn't a total douchebag. Doesn't he go to like eight Ivy League schools at once? Are there even eight? Is the Ivy League like a lame Justice League? Too many questions.

Why it doesn't work out: He finds the "I BANGED JAMES FRANCO" shirt.

Candidate #3:

Name: Jack White

Profession: Musician, likely a vampire

What he offers: The voice of a creepy, twangy, dark angel, endless Catholic trivia, will never get melanoma, connections to the country goddess Loretta Lynn, the speed and strength of vampire lore.

Why your parents won't approve: Unless your folks are the Goth family of the Sims or keep bottles of blood on hand, they will likely be frightened by Mr. White's visage.

Why it doesn't work out: He used too much of your hair product. Also the pet crows.

Candidate #4:

Name: Michael Cera

Profession: Actor, prime candidate for friend-zoning

What he offers: Finally, someone as into Scott Pilgrim fantasies as you are! He may be on the verge of being too into it, since that was clearly the only time he has ever been or will ever be even a little bad ass, poor kid.

Why your parents won't approve: He won't stop cowering in the corner when he meets them. Never actually makes eye contact. Won't stop crying.

Why it doesn't work out: You accidentally call him George Michael too many times. In your guilt, you friend zone him, though there's no way of knowing if her actually understands, since he only communicates in whispers.

Candidate #5:

Name: Christian Bale

Profession: Actor, loud person

What he offers: HE IS BATMAN, rides in Batmobile, is cracky enough to agree to let you punch Anne Hathaway just to see what it would feel like (answer: great), has some sort of accent (type irrelevant), will talk in ridiculous Batman voice in exchange for snacks and sexual favors.

Why your parents won't like him: They've seen American Psycho.

Why it doesn't work out: You see American Psycho.

Candidate #6:

Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Profession: Actor, Musician

What he offers: THOSE DIMPLES, will sign your Third Rock From the Sun DVDs, can do that thing where you run up to a wall and do a back flip, explains Inception to you, good winkface, can pull off a shaved head.

Why your parents won't like him: He hypnotizes them with his borderline creepy charm and goddamn dimples. They choose him over you when you break up.

Why it doesn't work out: Charm is almost too much. You suspect he is a Craigslist Killer.