Why I will never be popular

Up until about 10 minutes ago, I was very concerned with my public perception. Actually, that is a hilarious joke. I have had a rough time giving a shit about what people think for... a while now. (In general. I still value some opinions very, very much.) This is why I present: Things I Realized Kind of Recently Vol. 1: I Will Never Be Popular, Even If I Become Famous, Which I Will. Is That Delusional?


1. I don't do cool things. I hang out with the same [wonderful] people every weekend. I go to work a lot. This blog is probably the coolest thing I do regularly, and it's not even cool. If I were a cool writer, I would probably chain smoke and drink straight whiskey or something. I would also not do anything actually useful, and I wouldn't care that I'm poor, and I wouldn't like television. I wouldn't be into showering. I'd look like a lady James Franco in Howl. But don't worry, I haven't thought about this before, ever.

I would also have a typewriter, which would send my blog entries to the internet through magic. Damn it, that's probably not cool either.

2. I'm bad at meeting people. Oops. Maybe it's my 13-year-old insecurity coming out in full force, but I am more likely to be known as "______'s weird friend" than anything else after first meeting people. Here's my theory. Middle school days, I was the weird smart girl. I got to high school, and my friends were also smart, so I became insecure even about my own intelligence. Also, still weird. Result: I am a less hot, less confident, less funny Aubrey Plaza. Instead of being hilariously awkward and Puerto Rican, I am white and holding a bottle of DaVinci white wine (2009 was a bad year for everything) accidentally glaring at everyone at a party. Weird girl drinking an entire bottle of wine? She's popular!!

Or I'm making this face, like a smug asshole.

If new people are lucky enough to hear me speak (a rare honor) in the vicinity of people who already like me, they are likely to hear words/conversations that sound like word salad. Example topics/quotes:

• "If you were an animal, you'd be a horse." "Yeah, a Clydesdale. You'd bring the beer. The Bud. The fuckin' King of Beer."
• "Yeah, Jafar was based on Prince. Probably "Purple Rain". You KNOW he was into kinky shit." -Discussing the sex lives of Disney villains
• "Who's Wilson Phillips?" "Just two dudes named Phillip and their buddy Wilson."
• Day of All the Blood
• Usher
• Aaron Rodger's facial hair
• Teen Girl Squad
• Harry Potter: "Accio cute boy! Bedroom of requirement!"
• Toddlers and Tiaras
• ++++MORE++++

3. My friends are too goddamn attractive for my own good. It's no use having a wingman who looks like modeling is their fucking day job. Even the most sparkling~* personalities cannot compete with super attractive friends. When I am out in social scenarios with any of my friends and accomplices, I regress to feeling like "kind of smart, mostly weird" friend (see #2). It's like the Lion King "Circle of Life", but "Circle of Awkward", as sung by me. In the shower.

4. Here are things I do in public (or semi-public): 

It is important to note that yes, the degree of odd varies in this upside-down pyramid of photos. However, it is also important to note that these are all staged photographed moments. Thank goodness candids are rare in my life.

Now, I need to be clear that I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel pouty or especially lonely, and I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone, even though being unpopular is basically a disease. A chronic disease, that will eventually take my life. Like the series finale of Gossip Girl. I will always have my friends who appreciate/contribute to my word salad and still like me. I have Beyonce, who sings "Ego" to me three times in a row, so I feel like a boss. I have Kelis, who sings "Bossy" to me another three times, so I am reminded to kick some social ass before I leave the house. Every. Single. Day.