Candidate #11:
Name: Penn Badgley
Profession: Actor, apparently singer
Top skills: Gossip Girl has made him maybe the acting game's top brooder. Good hair. GG keeps him pretty covered in ~*emotional writer*~ layers like sweaters and tears, but Easy A revealed that homeboy has a torso to be applauded and valued by all humans. ALL. HUMANS. Also, he plays Jeff Buckley in a movie coming out soon, and he sings in it. Like, pretty well. Also, aforementioned brooding comes into play big time.
Favorite couple-tivities: Since I assume he basically just is Lonely Boy from Gossip Girl (seasons 1-3 until my hormones calmed down and I realized that show was real bad, y'all), I'm guessing a lot of coffee shops and writing about feelings.
Why it doesn't work out: Too many feelings. At first the constant caressing was really cute, and he's got that "great torso" going for him, but shit got real weird real fast. You have to break eye contact sometime. Also, he dated Blake Lively, so, like, you KNOW you'll never be hot enough. Unless you are her.
Candidate #12:
Name: Aaron Paul
Profession: Jesse Pinkman, he is Jesse Pinkman forever
Top skills: I don't know if it's a "skill", but he has eyes so pretty, the chances they'll ruin your life is 100%. To be honest, if he just looked at me hard enough, I would do meth. I would get addicted to meth. I'm assuming that's how he got the role on Breaking Bad. All of the sudden, I would be doing meth, my underwear would be gone, I'd be blind, probably because of meth (I don't know what drugs are), and I would REGRET NOTHING WOULD YOU LOOK AT HIM.
Favorite couple-tivities: He keeps talking on his Twitter about his "fiance" or something, so I guess that number one thing would be hiding from his fiance. After that, fashion shows and yelling about science.
Why it doesn't work out: Meth makes you ugly. :( :( (Or aforementioned fiance thing works out.)
Candidate #13:
Name: Jack Huston
Profession: Ol' Half-face from Boardwalk Empire
Top skills: Dude, I still thought this guy was attractive before I even saw his whole face. I don't know what that says about me, but this isn't about me, it's about this hot guy who even comes with a whole face. His character has one of the best memes on the whole internet. His aunt or some shit is Angelica Huston, aka Mrs. Zissou/Mrs. Tenebaum/everything cool. Marry into that family.
Favorite couple-tivities: You can do SO MANY activities when people have whole faces. I refuse to limit them here.
Why it doesn't work out: He uses his Richard voice in bed, which you'd think you'd be into, but it is actually just terrifying and you are terrified.
Candidate #14:
Name: Colin Firth
Profession: Mr. Darcy, Oscar winner, professional sweater-wearer
Top skills: He literally only ever plays different versions of Mr. Darcy. Kings Speech? Probably Mr. Darcy. Love Actually? Mr. Darcy, in sweaters. He can really wear a sweater, y'all. The only time he wasn't Mr. Darcy was in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy which is when he was a TOTAL BADASS so that works out. But, seriously, next time you're drunk just google "Colin Firth in a sweater" and nod solemnly at your phone/computer and tell me that you feel me, because I know you will.
Favorite couple-tivities: He just did an audiobook, so probably sit and listen to audiobooks. I feel like he'd like chess. And fireplaces. Sweater shopping.
Why it doesn't work out: "Age ain't nothin' but a number" can't last forever. One day you're just playing chess and the next day you're doing math and realizing the first time he did Mr. Darcy via BBC miniseries, you were like a toddler or something. Math ruins everything, just like it always does.
!!!BONUS ROUND!!!
The first time I saw this commercial, I literally went mute for a week. This kind of shit should be illegal. I still have no concept as to what this ad is for, but if it's claiming that whatever it's selling will make other humans even half as attractive as these humans, I implore everyone to buy it. But, like I said, way too distracted to figure out what the hell they are selling. Just look at 'em. Well, goodbye.
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