Who Will Narrate Your Life

EDIT: I FORGOT CATE BLANCHETT
Holy shit, if you want Cate Blanchett you narrate your life, that means you are AWESOME and like ADVENTURE and the ELVISH LANGUAGE and if you cry, your cry ELEGANTLY. I am so pissed I forgot this. You are also vaguely terrifying!!! Well, bye.

Morgan Freeman
What it says about you: You cocky piece of shit. You think your life is awesome enough that [someone that played] GOD should narrate it?! No. I used to think I was good enough for ol' Morgy Boy, but then I looked down and saw the pizza sauce on my shirt and realized that Morgan Freeman is too good to narrate me trolling Reddit for four hours. Two hours, maybe, and if I washed my shirt, but there's a line, and I am usually way over it. Frankly, you probably are too. Lower your bar, friend. Lower your bar.

Alec Baldwin
What it says about you: Understated, but still has a certain level of gravitas. Likely chosen because he narrated The Royal Tenenbaums, but acceptable just because the voice of a 1950s newscaster who has been smoking since he was a toddler. The Wes Anderson connection makes me think you may be a wee bit pretentious, but I get it. Live your life.

Martin Sheen
What it says about you: If you see "Martin Sheen" and go straight to The West Wing, stop reading now. For who's left: God bless you forever for wanting the narrator of Ken Burns' The Civil War series to narrate your life. You are the coolest. Don't let anyone or any empirical evidence let you believe otherwise.

Tyra Banks
What it says about you: You are a flamboyant gay man.

Bill Nye
What it says about you: SCIENCE. This choice is only appropriate if you are a super enthusiastic person, because I imagine Bill Nye says everything like it's written in CAPS lock with an exclamation point at the end. This is based purely on his show made for youths, the fake Bill Nye Twitter account, and a dream I maintain in my heart.

Lindsay Lohan (circa Mean Girls)
What it says about you: Dramatic, breathy, yet sarcastic. You probably view things slightly more over-the-top than need be, but you're pretty and aren't drug-addled yet, so good job! 2004 was a good year.

Sarah McLachlan
What it says about you: If you think this is an acceptable choice, you clearly think I am referring to her lovely singing voice and not her evil, evil PAWS commercials showing abused dogs. Lady, I'm just trying to watch Swamp People, and now I'm sobbing. I assume if you want this bitch narrating your life, you like making yourself and other people cry. You are a bully. Feelings are hard.