Hey, kiddos. I am still on vacation, sitting in Anna's bed with her dog while she is at work. Stayed up making sure Anna's brother became more worldly to make friends, aka showed him parts 1-13 of R.Kelly's classic hip-hopera "Trapped in the Closet".
Let me tell you about our New Orleans Adventures!!
DAY 1
We drove through the night running on only adrenaline and crazy and arrived in Nola around noon (or something, the point is kind of early). Got to the hotel, and our room was obviously not ready. So we dropped off our car and our stuff and commenced day drinking.
Day drinking can be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. To help create a fun, friendly day drunk environment, follow these easy tips!
1. Pace yourself. Nothing ruins day drinking like too much too fast. Remember, it's daytime, so the sun is out. People can see you.
2. Keep in mind that everyone you interact with is probably sober. This is key, because you will definitely be laughed at. For example, as I articulated via text message to Allison, "W are the laughing stoc k ignite joltek o" followed by "Wr are the laughing stock of the hotel". Oops.
3. If you are someone who texts drunk, have a safe drunk texting person. Actually, this is good advice for regular drinking as well. As stated above, Allison and I have an unspoken agreement that we can text/call each other in times of drunk, and it is acceptable. This is extremely important, because if you have your phone out and no one you really need to say anything to, sober or drunk, you will most certainly end up calling and ex, crush, or boss. It is a terrible truth for those of us who believe that communication is important, even when it is clearly not at all.
4. Don't go into stores. Drunk shopping is expensive shopping.
5. Wash your hands. You might do shit like this:
BYOTire
6. Schedule a nap time. If you intend on continuing your activities into the night, your options are either (A) take a nap or (B) probably die. In our case, we took a 5 hour nap, woke up at 10, rallied, and went out again.
Proof that we rallied and managed to look good
Following my tips, you are almost guaranteed a wonderful day drinking experience. Optional: follow Annalise's and my example with the [soon-to-be] classic CHUMBAWUMBA PUB CRAWL.
For those of you who don't understand the concept of the pub crawl based on title alone, allow me to explain through the brilliant lyrics of "Tubthumping": He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink. He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink. Quite simple. Repeat.
DAY 2
Yeah, bitches, got a tattoo.
DAY 2
Yeah, bitches, got a tattoo.
Day 2 consisted of way more day drinking, including classy beverages such as a mimosa that was 98% champagne (in a plastic cup because we got it to-go) and delicious Abita craft beers and also some less classy drinks like our "SHOTS" pub crawl. For the sake of truth, the pub crawl was one bar post-tattoo and the "SHOTS" crawl was much less lyrically accurate than our Chumbawumba success. It mostly just involved Annalise making me do shots. For the record, I hate shots. Alcoholic, medical, from a gun that I am not shooting, etc.
We took another nap (see a pattern?!) and went out again, starting at the Absinthe Bar on Bourbon. I swear to Jesus, if anyone gives me crap about whatever we drank and how it wasn't real absinthe, I will lose it. The point is that the shots were $20 and tasted like shit and 136 proof and killed Anna. Not really, but homegirl was out before it was her real birthday at midnight.
Did I mention she was wearing a headdress? Idol
She waited to pass out until after bull riding
This brings me to the portion of the story where I made friends. While Anna was riding the bull, I got a new girlfriend!! It went something like this.
Alicia: [sitting at bar]
Romanian Girlfriend: Hello. I am love your tattoo. It is new?
A: Oh, thank you! It's new.
RGF: So sexy. You ride bull, yes?
A: No, no, thank you.
RGF: [hands coupon to ride bull for free]
You are sexy beautiful. Where are you from?
A: Minneapolis.
RGF: What is Minakfgkafs? I am from Romania.
A: Minnesota.
RGF: Where is Minnesota? But yes, you are beautiful sexy. You must ride bull and do shot.
A: Okay, I will.
[runs away]
So, I'm rounding that scenario up to having a new Romanian girlfriend, jealous?
The pun portion comes in at the name of the bar: BOURBON COWBOY. Get it? Bourbon Street. Rhymes with urban. I love puns. Not ironically, genuinely.
Anyway, after Anna had sleepy time, I decided it was too early to quit, so I ventured out toward Decatur. Since it was rainy, homeless folk were lining the sidewalk. One told me I was going to have a boy and asked me to pet her pet bat. I said in my head, "Hey! If you're accusing me of being pregnant, that is rude. If you're talking about finding a boyfriend, that's just a lie. Also, where are half your teeth?!" Aloud, I said, "What? Bye!"
I went to a townie bar where they had Strawberry Abita lager on special and did sodoku and played Patsy Cline on the jukebox and talked to the bartenders about the Midwest. It was great. Got beignets, went back to hotel.
I love New Orleans.
I apologize that this is hardly my best writing, I just feel like there's so much to say about this trip and it's better to be efficient than eloquent. But, to be fair, I feel like that's usually my way of going about things.
Now that I'm back, I'm in a major post-vacation crash period. Definitely started crying in the cab ride home, oops. Sorry Somali cab driver!! Real life is hard and I miss Annalise and Nola and being allowed a temporary alcoholic lifestyle. I'll sleep it off tomorrow and it will be improved, I'm sure.
If you got through all this, let me know that I owe you a firm handshake of appreciation.
