Valid and slightly less valid reasons for skipping class

For most of us collegiate types, it's week two or three of class. Thus, it's no longer "if-you-don't-show-up-to-class-you're-out" first week. Thus, almost everyone I know has already skipped at least one class, and yes, this does include me. My Catholic guilt complex can make skipping class difficult, so I have compiled a list of excuses with varying levels of validity that you may use for when you will not be attending class and want to feel less bad about it.

1. You're sick. Don't be that dick that goes to class when they are so clearly contagious and loud and annoying and coughing on everyone. Stay in bed.
2. You will fall asleep. You're running on three hours of sleep, forgot to get coffee, and you can feel your eyes getting heavy. Trust me, you will feel worse if you go to class and are head-bobbing. Sleepy kids in class get judged by others, and those others are normally me.
3. Your professor is kind of cracky. When I say "cracky", I am referring to those instructors that will talk and talk, and about 1/5 of their words have anything to do with what's on the syllabus. Yeah, dude, your grandkids' antics are cute as shit, but unless you're testing me on how good they are at coloring, these past 20 minutes are sort of wasteful. I feel like an ass thinking in this manner, but then I look at my tuition bill and just feel a combination of poor and irrationally entitled.
4. The lectures are online. Fuck ya'll, I'll take notes on this at a more reasonable hour.
5. Your bed is so comfy. I know mine is.
6. You took your pants off after you got home and now you have night class but it's socially unacceptable to leave the house without putting pants back on. This may only apply to me, but it is a really, really legitimate reason to bail on literally anything. I just hate pants.
7. You're overwhelmed with how much stuff you have to get done, so instead of doing it, you curl into a ball and go to sleep. I'm not proud of this, but it's my panic mode reaction. When my to-do list gets too long, it's perma-nap time until I feel rested enough to deal with all the thoughts and feelings.
8. You're too smart for this class. You're probably not, sorry, but every once in a while you're allowed to be irrational.
9. You went out last night and now it is morning and why is the sun so bright? I'm a big fan of going out on weeknights, because I hate "crowds" and "people" and the like. So when you wake up and the outside world is bright and under your covers is dark, I get it.
10. It's morning. I have come to a point where I realized I only have a couple years to live in this dream where not being a morning person is okay, and I can schedule my life accordingly. However, I hate morning so much that even an 11 AM class can seem too early. Sue me.
11. FOR THA LADIES: You have cramps. Eat ice cream and just don't get out of bed for like 24 hours and it'll be fine.
12. FOR THA LADIES PT. 2: Makeup is hard and hair is everywhere. It is, and it can be. If you can't manage your bare minimum routine (that we all have, don't even pretend you don't) and find an acceptable hat in enough time to get to class, I get it. We all get it.
13. It's cold. I have gone to school in Minnesota and Wisconsin, so I am not talking about some sort of relative "it's cold FOR FLORIDA" bullshit, I mean like real cold. You're telling me I have to go outside in this to go to school? Uh, no. You can find me in the fetal position in front of my space heater, weighing the risk/reward of bringing it into bed with me. (Yeah, the house will be on fire, but fire is SO WARM.)

We'll end it on lucky number thirteen before this gets out of hand, but you see my point. Less than half of these are actual valid excuses for not going to school that you/your parents/the government (you dicks) are paying good money for, but in the moment they seem like the most valid thing in the world. Other notable options include: avoiding terrible class auditors, some guy kept taking pictures of the back of your head on his phone during lecture and you think he may kill you (a thing that has happened), you're hungry, etc.

NOTE: I am actually a fairly good student, thanks. Read: This note is mostly directed at my mom.

What television has taught me about dating

Instead of talking about how I'm sorry I haven't posted and blah blah blah, I... just won't. However, I AM sorry that I haven't been lazy for cool reasons like "I was being social" or "I found my Sims 3 disk" (I think it's at my parents'), but most of my time in front of a computer screen has been spent watching TV shows. Thus, I will tell you what I have gathered from these shows as a single female, on the off chance that you are a real person that does not have time to sit and watch hours on end of programming for your dating tips. You're welcome, because I'm assuming these will all help me in the real world, if they haven't already.

NOTE: I'll try and keep anything spoiler-y super vague, but don't get mad at me, guys.

GAME OF THRONES
-If your brother bargains you off in an arranged marriage war deal and your marital relationship begins with rape, it's okay, you'll fall in love later
-...After a slave girl teaches you sex (???)
-Incest is cool
-The children that result from incest only have the genetic disorder of being complete assholes
-The two most attractive men on the show have either taken a vow of celibacy or are promised to Mr. Filch's uggo daughter, so lower your standards or die alone
-Trust no bitch
-Don't be a prostitute, unless you're into guys I have nicknamed Lizardface McCrazyeyes

BOARDWALK EMPIRE
-Hot Irish guys are hot
-Don't date anyone too important, because either you or he will almost certainly end up dead
-Be beautiful and complain to Steve Buscemi and he will love you and solve all your problems (I believe this has the most real-world application)
-Mad at your husband? Cut your hair off and have a lesbian affair!
-It's not weird to have a loving relationship with a considerably older man who also molested you when you were twelve
-Accidentally sleep with your mom? JOIN THE ARMY
-Don't be a prostitute, unless you're into severe face wounds

DOWNTON ABBEY
-Oh, you like that guy? He's gay
-If you sleep with a man, he will literally die immediately afterward, and you'll have to deal with a body
-Making too much eye contact is slutty
-When taking your third cousin on a date (rich people do weird shit), apparently touring old churches is not the sexiest of activities
-Never actually act on feelings, because life is built on cool accents and SO MUCH SEXUAL TENSION (this applies to all UK television as well)

30 ROCK
-You can be really into food (but not like in an adventurous way, just in a cheese way) and not into wearing clothes that aren't a sweatshirt, but you still hook up with James Marsden, James Franco, and JON HAMM. Like Don Draper Jon Hamm. Like Jon Hamm of Jon Hamm's John Ham. Liz Lemon gives hope to all!!

WHAT I HAVE GATHERED IN GENERAL:
I think I need an at least vaguely Irish accent, access to dragons, and direct access to Jon Hamm to have a successful love life. Otherwise, cats.

Alter Egos

I am really, really thankful for Nicki Minaj. Not only is her OPI nail polish line mostly glitter, but she has made it less crazy and more okay to admit that you have alter egos. Guys, I think we're at this point in our relationship. I feel safe with you, ya know?! Please don't break up with me right after you read this, but I'd like you to meet my alter egos. Top three get explanations.

DJ Disappointment: DJ DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE HOOOOUUUSE!!! Santa isn't real. Yeah, you got a request? I can definitely play that shit... NOT.
Most frequently seen at: parties, sporting events, whenever I have control of the music
Speciality: Classic 90s humor of saying "...NOT" after things (never gets old!!!)

DJ Only-Plays-Bossy-by-Kelis: Exactly what it sounds like. No, they're not all DJs, asshole.
Most frequently seen at: Similar to above, whenever I get to pick the song. Usually whiskey brings DJ OPBbK out faster.
Speciality: Disarming enemies through the power of dance and overall BOSSINESS. Also, can wear heels without injury to self or others.

Alicia Malfoy/Fake Aubrey Plaza: For the dark, evil, witchy times. Mostly involves a lot of glaring and dry sarcasm. New additional trait!!: Glancing at my dark mark tattoo as if a threat to summon Voldemort to destroy my enemies. (Alter egos that have enemies count: up to 2)
Most frequently seen at: Any social situation, secretly at work often
Speciality: The opposite of making new friends, instilling fear in the weak of spirit.

ALTERNATES: Beyonce, Ke$ha, studious actual good student, borderline insomniac, awkward internet personality, future cat lady of the year, professional nap-taker, and, once every three-four months, I turn into a hot girl (when I spend time on hair/makeup/wardrobe ALL AT ONCE).

I am a multi-faceted, interesting being. So, I hope we can maintain our beautiful relationship together. Because, hey, three-four times a year, I can bust out that hot girl alter ego. Until then, yeah, you'll get the crazy in the flannel pants. You're welcome.

Lesser known "statue" alter ego, nice to meet you

What I did when I wasn't blogging (or, alternatively: I'm back, bitches)

Here is a list of things I did while I wasn't blogging:

-was an asshole, sorry guys :(
-saw the Avett Brothers twice!
-met David Mayfield:
-applied to college Pt. 2
-went to Minneapolis once!
-got another tattoo, oops~*
-listened to "Countdown" by Beyonce an unnatural and unacceptable amount of times
-worked out a lot
-^^THAT WAS A JOKE
-actually, I ate a lot of Toppers
-watched the first two seasons of "The League" and, as of tonight, three seasons of "How I Met Your Mother" finally settling the debate: you guys, I am really, really white.
-made best friends with peroxide and now my hair is Viking queen/Malfoy blond, AS IT SHOULD BE.

BUT OKAY. Here's the truth. I didn't mean to take a hiatus. I have been in sort of a funk lately, and my humor gets really dark really fast in these times. (Ask anyone who has met me/been around me in a past month. I'm your strange combo blonde goth friend, nice to meet you.) My strategy has sort of been to just go to work and come home and exit those two places enough so people remember that I'm a person, which I think has been an overall successful mission. Anyway, I sort of figured no one would really notice that I wasn't blogging. And since I was a crazy/lonely enough child to develop having a narrative constantly running in my head, I didn't miss writing it down enough to make a huge effort. Is that a rude thing to say in the presence of my blog? Sidebar: sorry, bud.

SO now it's 3 AM and I am rambling on the internet again! Here's what's cute: a couple people did notice that I wasn't writing publicly and to you sweet, beautiful angels, I must say thank you. If it weren't for others telling me that they missed my writing and effectively inflating my ego juuust enough, this sparkling gem of a late night entry may not exist and you might have had to rely on my Twitter. (Never rely on my Twitter. If you look at Monday evening's tweets, you know more about that night than I do. Twitter will be how they find my body.)

Anyway, I love you all, thanks for reading. Yes, I am completely sober, just running on crazy and the fear that my dog might have learned to stab and might kill me at any moment. She has this crazy look in her eye and is bordering on senile. Trust is low. Here is a picture I took at the Avett show:

5 songs to prepare for everything terrible

Every day, we do things we don't want to do. For example, tomorrow I work at from 6 AM until around 9 PM. No human likes being awake before 6 AM. If you meet anyone who enjoys waking up before 6 AM, you should kill them on the spot. They're fucking robots, and they want to kill you first. Don't let them. Do it for humanity. But, I digress.

To prepare for doing unspeakable things, I have created a musically-based method that is essentially scientific. Combine any of these following songs to make the unbearable activities such as "work" and "school" and "going to a shitty party" considerably more bearable.

1. "Bossy" - Kelis
First of all, I want to live in this video. Now that's on the table, we can proceed. If listening to "Bossy" a couple of times doesn't make you feel like a "boss bitch", you're doing something wrong. Also, for the ladies, I recommend you put on some liquid eyeliner and gold eyeshadow. If you listen to this enough times, the makeup won't become an option, and you'll just do it by default in an effort to morph into Kelis. Not that I know what that is like.

2. "Ego" - Beyonce
If you ever feel bad about yourself, listen to this three times in a row. If you are anything like me, you will go from feeling like shit to being a confidence monster. At this point, my tolerance level is to the point where :30 seconds in I am ready to fight anyone who looks at me the wrong way, because I am Beyonce. So, just watch out.

3. "Fancy" - Drake

This is my ultimate song for getting ready, because Drake encourages me to make myself look cute. It's especially important for these dire times, when all I want to do is go back to bed, probably forever. Maybe I would also watch The League. Point is, I don't want to get ready, and Drake tells me, "Hey, Alicia. You should. BRB time to rap."

4. "Jumper" - Third Eye Blind

So you don't kill yourself because you don't want to go to work.

5. "Green and Yellow" - Lil Wayne

This isn't even the best version of "Green and Yellow", but it's the only one that includes poetic lyrics like, "we shittin' on these fools, no bathroom." BOOM, yeah, Weezy. That is gross, but I am pumped about it. You should be too.

Now with this mini-playlist, you are prepared to take on almost anything. Work, trying to wake up before you want to, going to class, going to an event where you will inevitably be awkward, etc. Go for it. Live your dreams. Listen to mostly rap and one 90s song. It's your time to shine.

Why I will never be popular

Up until about 10 minutes ago, I was very concerned with my public perception. Actually, that is a hilarious joke. I have had a rough time giving a shit about what people think for... a while now. (In general. I still value some opinions very, very much.) This is why I present: Things I Realized Kind of Recently Vol. 1: I Will Never Be Popular, Even If I Become Famous, Which I Will. Is That Delusional?


1. I don't do cool things. I hang out with the same [wonderful] people every weekend. I go to work a lot. This blog is probably the coolest thing I do regularly, and it's not even cool. If I were a cool writer, I would probably chain smoke and drink straight whiskey or something. I would also not do anything actually useful, and I wouldn't care that I'm poor, and I wouldn't like television. I wouldn't be into showering. I'd look like a lady James Franco in Howl. But don't worry, I haven't thought about this before, ever.

I would also have a typewriter, which would send my blog entries to the internet through magic. Damn it, that's probably not cool either.

2. I'm bad at meeting people. Oops. Maybe it's my 13-year-old insecurity coming out in full force, but I am more likely to be known as "______'s weird friend" than anything else after first meeting people. Here's my theory. Middle school days, I was the weird smart girl. I got to high school, and my friends were also smart, so I became insecure even about my own intelligence. Also, still weird. Result: I am a less hot, less confident, less funny Aubrey Plaza. Instead of being hilariously awkward and Puerto Rican, I am white and holding a bottle of DaVinci white wine (2009 was a bad year for everything) accidentally glaring at everyone at a party. Weird girl drinking an entire bottle of wine? She's popular!!

Or I'm making this face, like a smug asshole.

If new people are lucky enough to hear me speak (a rare honor) in the vicinity of people who already like me, they are likely to hear words/conversations that sound like word salad. Example topics/quotes:

• "If you were an animal, you'd be a horse." "Yeah, a Clydesdale. You'd bring the beer. The Bud. The fuckin' King of Beer."
• "Yeah, Jafar was based on Prince. Probably "Purple Rain". You KNOW he was into kinky shit." -Discussing the sex lives of Disney villains
• "Who's Wilson Phillips?" "Just two dudes named Phillip and their buddy Wilson."
• Day of All the Blood
• Usher
• Aaron Rodger's facial hair
• Teen Girl Squad
• Harry Potter: "Accio cute boy! Bedroom of requirement!"
• Toddlers and Tiaras
• ++++MORE++++

3. My friends are too goddamn attractive for my own good. It's no use having a wingman who looks like modeling is their fucking day job. Even the most sparkling~* personalities cannot compete with super attractive friends. When I am out in social scenarios with any of my friends and accomplices, I regress to feeling like "kind of smart, mostly weird" friend (see #2). It's like the Lion King "Circle of Life", but "Circle of Awkward", as sung by me. In the shower.

4. Here are things I do in public (or semi-public): 

It is important to note that yes, the degree of odd varies in this upside-down pyramid of photos. However, it is also important to note that these are all staged photographed moments. Thank goodness candids are rare in my life.

Now, I need to be clear that I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel pouty or especially lonely, and I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone, even though being unpopular is basically a disease. A chronic disease, that will eventually take my life. Like the series finale of Gossip Girl. I will always have my friends who appreciate/contribute to my word salad and still like me. I have Beyonce, who sings "Ego" to me three times in a row, so I feel like a boss. I have Kelis, who sings "Bossy" to me another three times, so I am reminded to kick some social ass before I leave the house. Every. Single. Day.

Fashion Werewolf: a very personal plague

I am almost constantly (read: never) approached by people for the plethora of fabricated mythology I know about two things: werewolves and vortexes. Today, after my years of research, I finally experienced something that was clearly one or the other.

Here's how this shit when down (you might need some eery music in the background): I went to the mall, on the seemingly innocent mission of buying some black pants, because my life sucks and all I ever get to wear is black. One job with a Bar Mitzvah uniform, one job with a funeral uniform. Eternal sadness and pre-pubescent masculinity all up in my wardrobe.

ANYWAY. I parked by non-threatening Boston Store. Non-threatening MY ASS. I walked in to a slew of Betsey Johnson purses and immediately forgot my identity, what I was looking for, and where I was. I walked out with a Boston Store credit card (what the shit?) and the following items:

Alright, there are some things we need to note about these purchases. First of all, none of them are pants. Three of them are kind of pants, but not to be worn out of the house without other pants. NOT EVEN A SKIRT. I did SO BAD. Next, THREE pairs of Packer underwear?! And they have vaguely slutty phrases on them? Who am I? "Let's huddle"?! That doesn't even mean anything. Unless you are actually talking about football (which I know you aren't, Victoria), that doesn't mean anything.

My main issue with all of this is the feeling I had when I walked out of the mall. Holding bags of shit, completely dazed as to how it got there. "You mean... I exchanged money... for this?" I asked myself, probably aloud on accident in the parking lot. When I got home and examined my purchases, I was not necessarily so much disappointed as surprised. I have only three rational explanations for this occurrence.

1. I was drugged. Somewhere between work and home and the bank and the mall, I was drugged and forced to spend my hard-earned money. It was probably Boston Store!! They have so much perfume and whatnot everywhere and it was drugged and now I have a credit card I have to cancel (but, guys, I got 20% off).
2. VORTEX. I don't know much about vortexes, but I am 98% sure that, based on everything I just made up about them, the mall is one. You walk in, walk around in a daze, and aliens sell you things. Everyone who works at the mall is an alien. You can quote me on that.
3. I am a fashion werewolf. What is a fashion werewolf? Perhaps one of the most specific kinds of werewolves, it occurs when a vulnerable (read: bitter and bloodthirsty) individual enters a shopping mall. It's like a full moon all the time in there, bitches, and you best watch out. You lose control of your body and your wallet and buy as much as you can carry until your inner willpower finally gets you the hell out of there roughly two hours later. It's like a battleground in there, I say based on nothing.

I'm guessing that it was explanation #3, since I came out dazed and covered in the blood of the innocent. But, like a lady Remus Lupin, I feel at least kind of bad about it.

...And, BAM! Still worked in a Harry Potter reference.