The 5 Benefits of Getting Dumped

As I typed the title of this post, I did, in fact, lol, because it sounds like complete bullshit. Hear me out, dear readers, hear me out.

With every even quasi-relationship I have been involved in, I have been the dumpee. Frankly, I have also 9/10 times been, uh, "let go" in kind of intensely bad ways. Like, a wee bit extreme, fellas. Unclear on what this says about me, have narrowed it down to a few likely options: (A) I am a truly insufferable human, destined to CATS and BAGS forever, (B) I am forever maybe too optimistic things will work out, (C) I know things won't work out, but I get lazy and think it's easier to deal with mediocre than go through the act of breaking things off. Praying to all gods and dark lords alike that it is not option (A), and chances are high that it has more to do with option (C).

Now that we have established my potentially unfortunate expertise in this dark, dark field. I proceed with my logic:

Statistically, it is less likely for you to look like/be the bad guy when you get broken up with. (I'm excluding scenarios of ~*dump that cheater*~ because I ain't no cheater and have no experience in said types of break ups.) Even if/when you see it coming, a break up is never easy, and, hell, it's really nice to be able to logically play the victim for a second. I am much less likely to deliver grilled cheeses to my friend when she decides to break up with her lovely boyfriend than when my lovely friend gets dumped and clearly needs hot cheese.

Now, I fully understand that there are types of people who are probably a lot stronger than I am and can detect when a relationship is over and end it. You are strong. I'll bring you hot cheese. You deserve it too. You probably are already aware, however, that you run the risk of looking like the emotional bully. You might deserve double hot cheese for this burden. OR, you might just actually be a bully and deserve no cheeses, heated or otherwise. I don't know your life.

Those who dump you in rude ass manners turn into anecdotes. I am able to write this in a lighthearted tone and jest about my experiences not because I am particularly evolved or beyond feeling sadness (if you have read literally anything else I have ever written, it's 98% about crying) because of just how ridiculous some of this shit was. People who have meant so much to me trickle down to anecdotes of "the guy who dumped me [insert scenario here]." While this can be sad, it can also be oddly empowering. Yes, these people meant a lot to you at one time in one place. However, if they cut you out of their life in some extreme and/or dickish manner, they totally deserve to be diluted into a story you tell you friends. Be warned, however, that the transition period between these two extremes really fucking blows. Going from feeling like you know someone inside and out to referring to them to your friends not by their name but by "the guy who dumped me on Valentines Day" (or whatever the situation might be) is a painful process, at least at first.

Ball is in your court for later friendship. I am, in general, a potentially too forgiving person. I have no problem with the idea of forgiving, forgetting, and being friends with exes. However, the control freak part of me genuinely loves the fact that when I am the one that got dumped, that ball is way more in my court than theirs. Like when another Sim starts a fight with your Sim and you can decide if you want to Appreciate-Compliment them or Fight. Like that, but with humans. I digress. Anyway, healing time is not only important, but necessary.

Let me emphasize the LATER friendship part here, because I am of the belief that you shouldn't be friends with your ex immediately. Yeah, exceptions, blah blah blah, but 99.9% of the time it is a terrible idea. I have tried this, and every time we hung out/talked as "friends" at least 1/2 of involved parties left crying. This includes after ICE CREAM. Literally no human is supposed to cry post-ice cream, I know that from science.

You're allowed a grace period of petty. When you have been broken up with, you are allowed a grace period in which you may roll your eyes, scoff, and otherwise make a big deal at the mention/sight/sound of your ex. The grace period depends entirely on the length of the relationship at hand, how bad the break up was, etc. I've been working on a precise equation, but it's a tough one. Basically, you're allowed to be a little immature if you need to, because sometimes that helps when dealing with shitty situations, and the world should understand that and roll its eyes with you. However, don't be a dick. Yeah, your ex dumped you. Yeah, he/she is seeing someone else now. Maybe you are still single, but that's not their fault. Maybe you are happy with someone else. You're allowed a single eye roll at their new Facebook-official relationship, and then you gotta let it lay, baby. You'll drive yourself crazy if you don't.

There are so many good break up songs. Like, so many. Rarely are they about healthy, mutually beneficial break ups, either. If you want to build a fort, call it "Heartbreak Hotel", and listen to an absurdly long playlist of break up songs, that is a goal you can logistically achieve. I won't even judge you [aloud] if one of your songs is Gotye's overplayed heartache gem "Somebody I Used to Know". I feel you, bro. Personal favorites include "The Bad In Each Other" by Feist and "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams.

See? It's not so bad, kiddos. Well, even if it is, it doesn't have to stay bad. Until then, eat whatever dairy products you want and believe every friend and loved one that tells you how you are "too good for them, anyway" because you probably are.

How I Make New Friends

I will open with the following disclaimer: I almost never make new friends. Most of the people in my life have been around for at least a few years, and my friendship process was different back then. ("You will make eye contact with me despite my braces?! WE ARE FRIENDS.") That being said, the reason behind the lack of new friends in my life likely has to do with the process I will lay out for you. Cons: It's a process, and I'm kind of neurotic. Pros: The ones who make it through are keepers.

 

if you survive, we can take adorable photos like THIS

How's ya handshake? If answer is "appropriately firm", proceed in road to friendship! While this isn't a total dealbreaker, it is still important, because my grandpa once told me to suspect that those with weak handshakes are COMMUNISTS. And we all know I cannot be friends with a commie.


Do you think I'm funny? Nice to meet you, I am narcissistic and if you laugh at my hilarious jokes, we are more likely to be friends. Thank you for your time, I'll be here all week.


Are you funny? All of my friends are the funniest people. I mean, no pressure, but they are. I maintain a Twitter 98% so I can document easily and quickly the shit that they say on a daily basis.
Examples: "Boys have better everything in football, but better just butts in baseball"
"Your voice is like a million sparrows. Is that too many? Ok, your voice is like... eight sparrows"
"You look and smell like a sexy virgin. I like it."
"SAD SUNDAY. Our specials are rail gin and tears, blood and whiskey, and godless wine"
(To be fair, these are all from two people and one of these quotes is legally some sort of sexual harassment, but my argument still stands.)

will you Facebook chat me Toto lyrics that are wrong, but somehow better?

 "It’s hard to make friends with someone when he or she is always hiding behind stuff, like sarcasm or furniture."  This is from one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles, but I feel like it applies here.


Do we have common interests? While not a requirement, it certainly helps. If the answer is no and I still want to befriend you (or vice versa), I will certainly try and convert you to enjoying my interests. Let the compulsory Game of Thrones viewings begin!!


Are you a nerd? Everyone that I like is nerdy about something. I am a television/kind of just regular brand of nerd, complete with social anxiety and all the extended edition DVDs of The Lord of the Rings. Also a Harry Potter tattoo. I don't fuck around. However, I have friends who are nerdy about art, bikes, working out, music, etc. As long as you have something you are unabashedly just really, really into, we can probably get along. However, if you replace the word "nerdy" with "passionate", I probably hate you SORRY.


How nice are you? This probably ties in with the sense of humor bits, but if the answer is "really, really nice", we will likely only have a surface friendship. I am kind of an asshole, and quiet mockery is one of my favorite hobbies. If you also enjoy this, infinite blessings! Also, see you in hell. I'll bring popcorn.


Do you bail on plans? Do you hate plans? Fuck you, I am still Type A enough that I like planning things. I don't get mad very easily, but one of the things that always gets me is flaky people. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Other litmus tests. After preliminary determinations of friendship have been crossed off the list, I'll probably gauge your reaction to hilarious YouTube clips and pictures of corgis. While this may make me sound terrifying, it's actually to make sure that you aren't terrifying. You think Teen Girl Squad isn't funny? Heathen! Pictures of corgis have offended you? You are a serial killer, goodbye forever.

How much of a cheeseball are you? I am super cheesy with people I really care about. I will make you mix CDs and write you letters and put pictures of us on my wall. You can either appreciate it, or flee. If you choose appreciate, I am really good at making mix CDs.

Do you require alcohol or structured activities for fun times? It is unlikely we will ever be very close, even if you're awesome. My favorite things are Netflix and silence but I also like human presence and usually food. I hope you can deal with that. I don't have "fun party friends" that I only text when I am going out. I have friends I like all the time, whether we are laying in my bed reading our separate books or going out with every intention to get drunk. I am bad at halfway friendships, oops.

THAT'S ALL I GOT. Now, obviously, your litmus tests and determining factors will be different than mine, but if you follow some sort of equally OCD process for friendship, I can essentially guarantee that you will be pleased with the results.


P.S. How do you feel about weird MacBook photoshoots? Because, frankly, I'm into it.

an Instagram Appeal

For my friends with Android phones, today marks a fateful day in phone app history--Instagram now available for Android. As an iPhone asshole, I have had Instagram for a while (I am saying that in a dickish tone, by the way), and I still barely know how to use it/why I'm using it. How do you do those pictures with multiple frames? Do people actually care what I'm wearing today? I feel like they don't.

Here is my appeal to you, all Instagram users. Old and new! Annoying and more annoying! Please, help me by following these simple guidelines.

1. You should one take a 'selfy' if there's something REALLY COOL about how you look that day. If you're just hot every day, fuck off and die, the internet already hates you. Here is how I judge when it is the appropriate self-portrait time:
--I spent way more time on my hair than is deemed okay by society and I just want to document it for posterity.
--HAIRCUT~*~*
--Whatever, there are some days where you just feel like being that asshole that knows they look good. (If this is more than a few days, you are just a regular asshole, soso sorry.)
--There never really is an okay time to take a selfy, but we're all narcissists anyway, so just do it.

narcissist in action

2. Don't take a picture of every meal. Food isn't there for looking at, it's there for consumption. The fact that photographing food is a thing that happens is so first world-y it makes my brain explode a little. That being said, I've done it once or twice.

this isn't even a good meal to take a picture of I SUCK AT INSTAGRAM

3. If you're a lady, I'm really into Instagram photos of nail polish. I'm not being sarcastic, this is very genuine. All the guys that follow you will probably hate it, though.

4. No one cares about your outfit every goddamn day. I know we should, and as a member of the world that doesn't give a shit, I am soso sorry.

5. THE MORE PUPPY PICS, THE BETTER!!

6. You don't need a picture of everything. Like, your desk? You see that every day. It's not a very cool desk. I mean, it's an okay desk, I've just seen better.

This is all I've got, because I know no one (including myself) is going to listen to this anyway. Welcome to the club, my little Androids. We're all narcissistic, "artistic" assholes here. Instagram for flip phone coming soon, I am sure.

Valid and slightly less valid reasons for skipping class

For most of us collegiate types, it's week two or three of class. Thus, it's no longer "if-you-don't-show-up-to-class-you're-out" first week. Thus, almost everyone I know has already skipped at least one class, and yes, this does include me. My Catholic guilt complex can make skipping class difficult, so I have compiled a list of excuses with varying levels of validity that you may use for when you will not be attending class and want to feel less bad about it.

1. You're sick. Don't be that dick that goes to class when they are so clearly contagious and loud and annoying and coughing on everyone. Stay in bed.
2. You will fall asleep. You're running on three hours of sleep, forgot to get coffee, and you can feel your eyes getting heavy. Trust me, you will feel worse if you go to class and are head-bobbing. Sleepy kids in class get judged by others, and those others are normally me.
3. Your professor is kind of cracky. When I say "cracky", I am referring to those instructors that will talk and talk, and about 1/5 of their words have anything to do with what's on the syllabus. Yeah, dude, your grandkids' antics are cute as shit, but unless you're testing me on how good they are at coloring, these past 20 minutes are sort of wasteful. I feel like an ass thinking in this manner, but then I look at my tuition bill and just feel a combination of poor and irrationally entitled.
4. The lectures are online. Fuck ya'll, I'll take notes on this at a more reasonable hour.
5. Your bed is so comfy. I know mine is.
6. You took your pants off after you got home and now you have night class but it's socially unacceptable to leave the house without putting pants back on. This may only apply to me, but it is a really, really legitimate reason to bail on literally anything. I just hate pants.
7. You're overwhelmed with how much stuff you have to get done, so instead of doing it, you curl into a ball and go to sleep. I'm not proud of this, but it's my panic mode reaction. When my to-do list gets too long, it's perma-nap time until I feel rested enough to deal with all the thoughts and feelings.
8. You're too smart for this class. You're probably not, sorry, but every once in a while you're allowed to be irrational.
9. You went out last night and now it is morning and why is the sun so bright? I'm a big fan of going out on weeknights, because I hate "crowds" and "people" and the like. So when you wake up and the outside world is bright and under your covers is dark, I get it.
10. It's morning. I have come to a point where I realized I only have a couple years to live in this dream where not being a morning person is okay, and I can schedule my life accordingly. However, I hate morning so much that even an 11 AM class can seem too early. Sue me.
11. FOR THA LADIES: You have cramps. Eat ice cream and just don't get out of bed for like 24 hours and it'll be fine.
12. FOR THA LADIES PT. 2: Makeup is hard and hair is everywhere. It is, and it can be. If you can't manage your bare minimum routine (that we all have, don't even pretend you don't) and find an acceptable hat in enough time to get to class, I get it. We all get it.
13. It's cold. I have gone to school in Minnesota and Wisconsin, so I am not talking about some sort of relative "it's cold FOR FLORIDA" bullshit, I mean like real cold. You're telling me I have to go outside in this to go to school? Uh, no. You can find me in the fetal position in front of my space heater, weighing the risk/reward of bringing it into bed with me. (Yeah, the house will be on fire, but fire is SO WARM.)

We'll end it on lucky number thirteen before this gets out of hand, but you see my point. Less than half of these are actual valid excuses for not going to school that you/your parents/the government (you dicks) are paying good money for, but in the moment they seem like the most valid thing in the world. Other notable options include: avoiding terrible class auditors, some guy kept taking pictures of the back of your head on his phone during lecture and you think he may kill you (a thing that has happened), you're hungry, etc.

NOTE: I am actually a fairly good student, thanks. Read: This note is mostly directed at my mom.