Rapture Attack in River City!!!!1

As you may know, today was the rapture. Heaven is working out really, really well. The Dominos guy who delivered my Cinnastix to heaven was a sweetheart, and it was the only time I put on pants all day. So, yeah. Really unsure as to whether or not this is actually heaven and I was chosen, or if it's just a rainy summer Saturday where my main responsibility is to nap.

The best part of nap-rapture was my super intense nap dreams. I don't know if it's just me or a general rule, but my nap dreams are always 10,000x more interesting than any regular dream I can ever remember. (If anyone tries to explain the cognitive reasons behind this, I will punch you. Let me have my magic.)

I normally think that reporting on dreams is terrible and boring, but this one was one of those half memory/half dream scenarios, and the memory half is hysterical. I'll open with this, and you tell me if you're not enthralled (read: don't actually): I woke up trembling with the "Wells Fargo Wagon" song from The Music Man.

Exhibit A: the song in question

Exhibit B: a much superior song from the same musical

Where did this Music Man dream come from? Well, I don't want to intimidate you, but I happened to star as "a child" in the 2001 Catholic Memorial production of this classic musical in Waukesha, WI. So, I mean, it's not a big deal, but that's where I got my break. Look at me now!!!

In my rapturenapdream (copyright Alicia Roy, 2011), I was back in fifth grade, in this production. Fifth grade Alicia is a lot like current Alicia, but pre-braces, awkward as shit, with long hair and is 98% limbs. Also, afraid of speaking. I was super popular. Naturally, with all of these great qualities and a natural pre-teen fear of boizzz, being in a high school was a horrible, horrible thing. Even with theatre kids who are debatably more awkward than any pre-teen I have ever met ever.

ANYWAY. So I'm backstage, being bitter that I wasn't chosen to be in the Music Man's band of children and girl who is supposed to be my mom or something has sweaty hands and an obvious crush on my fake dad. I vividly remember that he was not into her. I knew my fake parents would be fake divorced by fake Christmas, and I used this to build character. "A child"?! Methinks not. I was a multifaceted character who just wanted to stay of TROUBLE down at the POOL HALL.

This is where I'm assuming the trembling comes in. The song "Gary, Indiana". I don't know if you have ever been to/driven through Gary, Indiana, but it is a terrible place. It smells terrible. I hate Gary, Indiana. Also, most of Indiana, but that is a different story for a different day. In the dream, they suddenly point to me and tell me I'm taking lead on "Gary, Indiana" even though I don't know the words! So I started doing the Nicki Minaj verse from "BedRock" and was kicked out of the children's cast. Nailed it.

Hope ya'll had a great rapture!! I'm gonna go kick it with my patron saint/main girl, St. Theresa the Little Flower!

JK, see you in hell, am I right?