Alter Egos

I am really, really thankful for Nicki Minaj. Not only is her OPI nail polish line mostly glitter, but she has made it less crazy and more okay to admit that you have alter egos. Guys, I think we're at this point in our relationship. I feel safe with you, ya know?! Please don't break up with me right after you read this, but I'd like you to meet my alter egos. Top three get explanations.

DJ Disappointment: DJ DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE HOOOOUUUSE!!! Santa isn't real. Yeah, you got a request? I can definitely play that shit... NOT.
Most frequently seen at: parties, sporting events, whenever I have control of the music
Speciality: Classic 90s humor of saying "...NOT" after things (never gets old!!!)

DJ Only-Plays-Bossy-by-Kelis: Exactly what it sounds like. No, they're not all DJs, asshole.
Most frequently seen at: Similar to above, whenever I get to pick the song. Usually whiskey brings DJ OPBbK out faster.
Speciality: Disarming enemies through the power of dance and overall BOSSINESS. Also, can wear heels without injury to self or others.

Alicia Malfoy/Fake Aubrey Plaza: For the dark, evil, witchy times. Mostly involves a lot of glaring and dry sarcasm. New additional trait!!: Glancing at my dark mark tattoo as if a threat to summon Voldemort to destroy my enemies. (Alter egos that have enemies count: up to 2)
Most frequently seen at: Any social situation, secretly at work often
Speciality: The opposite of making new friends, instilling fear in the weak of spirit.

ALTERNATES: Beyonce, Ke$ha, studious actual good student, borderline insomniac, awkward internet personality, future cat lady of the year, professional nap-taker, and, once every three-four months, I turn into a hot girl (when I spend time on hair/makeup/wardrobe ALL AT ONCE).

I am a multi-faceted, interesting being. So, I hope we can maintain our beautiful relationship together. Because, hey, three-four times a year, I can bust out that hot girl alter ego. Until then, yeah, you'll get the crazy in the flannel pants. You're welcome.

Lesser known "statue" alter ego, nice to meet you

What I did when I wasn't blogging (or, alternatively: I'm back, bitches)

Here is a list of things I did while I wasn't blogging:

-was an asshole, sorry guys :(
-saw the Avett Brothers twice!
-met David Mayfield:
-applied to college Pt. 2
-went to Minneapolis once!
-got another tattoo, oops~*
-listened to "Countdown" by Beyonce an unnatural and unacceptable amount of times
-worked out a lot
-^^THAT WAS A JOKE
-actually, I ate a lot of Toppers
-watched the first two seasons of "The League" and, as of tonight, three seasons of "How I Met Your Mother" finally settling the debate: you guys, I am really, really white.
-made best friends with peroxide and now my hair is Viking queen/Malfoy blond, AS IT SHOULD BE.

BUT OKAY. Here's the truth. I didn't mean to take a hiatus. I have been in sort of a funk lately, and my humor gets really dark really fast in these times. (Ask anyone who has met me/been around me in a past month. I'm your strange combo blonde goth friend, nice to meet you.) My strategy has sort of been to just go to work and come home and exit those two places enough so people remember that I'm a person, which I think has been an overall successful mission. Anyway, I sort of figured no one would really notice that I wasn't blogging. And since I was a crazy/lonely enough child to develop having a narrative constantly running in my head, I didn't miss writing it down enough to make a huge effort. Is that a rude thing to say in the presence of my blog? Sidebar: sorry, bud.

SO now it's 3 AM and I am rambling on the internet again! Here's what's cute: a couple people did notice that I wasn't writing publicly and to you sweet, beautiful angels, I must say thank you. If it weren't for others telling me that they missed my writing and effectively inflating my ego juuust enough, this sparkling gem of a late night entry may not exist and you might have had to rely on my Twitter. (Never rely on my Twitter. If you look at Monday evening's tweets, you know more about that night than I do. Twitter will be how they find my body.)

Anyway, I love you all, thanks for reading. Yes, I am completely sober, just running on crazy and the fear that my dog might have learned to stab and might kill me at any moment. She has this crazy look in her eye and is bordering on senile. Trust is low. Here is a picture I took at the Avett show:

5 songs to prepare for everything terrible

Every day, we do things we don't want to do. For example, tomorrow I work at from 6 AM until around 9 PM. No human likes being awake before 6 AM. If you meet anyone who enjoys waking up before 6 AM, you should kill them on the spot. They're fucking robots, and they want to kill you first. Don't let them. Do it for humanity. But, I digress.

To prepare for doing unspeakable things, I have created a musically-based method that is essentially scientific. Combine any of these following songs to make the unbearable activities such as "work" and "school" and "going to a shitty party" considerably more bearable.

1. "Bossy" - Kelis
First of all, I want to live in this video. Now that's on the table, we can proceed. If listening to "Bossy" a couple of times doesn't make you feel like a "boss bitch", you're doing something wrong. Also, for the ladies, I recommend you put on some liquid eyeliner and gold eyeshadow. If you listen to this enough times, the makeup won't become an option, and you'll just do it by default in an effort to morph into Kelis. Not that I know what that is like.

2. "Ego" - Beyonce
If you ever feel bad about yourself, listen to this three times in a row. If you are anything like me, you will go from feeling like shit to being a confidence monster. At this point, my tolerance level is to the point where :30 seconds in I am ready to fight anyone who looks at me the wrong way, because I am Beyonce. So, just watch out.

3. "Fancy" - Drake

This is my ultimate song for getting ready, because Drake encourages me to make myself look cute. It's especially important for these dire times, when all I want to do is go back to bed, probably forever. Maybe I would also watch The League. Point is, I don't want to get ready, and Drake tells me, "Hey, Alicia. You should. BRB time to rap."

4. "Jumper" - Third Eye Blind

So you don't kill yourself because you don't want to go to work.

5. "Green and Yellow" - Lil Wayne

This isn't even the best version of "Green and Yellow", but it's the only one that includes poetic lyrics like, "we shittin' on these fools, no bathroom." BOOM, yeah, Weezy. That is gross, but I am pumped about it. You should be too.

Now with this mini-playlist, you are prepared to take on almost anything. Work, trying to wake up before you want to, going to class, going to an event where you will inevitably be awkward, etc. Go for it. Live your dreams. Listen to mostly rap and one 90s song. It's your time to shine.

Why I will never be popular

Up until about 10 minutes ago, I was very concerned with my public perception. Actually, that is a hilarious joke. I have had a rough time giving a shit about what people think for... a while now. (In general. I still value some opinions very, very much.) This is why I present: Things I Realized Kind of Recently Vol. 1: I Will Never Be Popular, Even If I Become Famous, Which I Will. Is That Delusional?


1. I don't do cool things. I hang out with the same [wonderful] people every weekend. I go to work a lot. This blog is probably the coolest thing I do regularly, and it's not even cool. If I were a cool writer, I would probably chain smoke and drink straight whiskey or something. I would also not do anything actually useful, and I wouldn't care that I'm poor, and I wouldn't like television. I wouldn't be into showering. I'd look like a lady James Franco in Howl. But don't worry, I haven't thought about this before, ever.

I would also have a typewriter, which would send my blog entries to the internet through magic. Damn it, that's probably not cool either.

2. I'm bad at meeting people. Oops. Maybe it's my 13-year-old insecurity coming out in full force, but I am more likely to be known as "______'s weird friend" than anything else after first meeting people. Here's my theory. Middle school days, I was the weird smart girl. I got to high school, and my friends were also smart, so I became insecure even about my own intelligence. Also, still weird. Result: I am a less hot, less confident, less funny Aubrey Plaza. Instead of being hilariously awkward and Puerto Rican, I am white and holding a bottle of DaVinci white wine (2009 was a bad year for everything) accidentally glaring at everyone at a party. Weird girl drinking an entire bottle of wine? She's popular!!

Or I'm making this face, like a smug asshole.

If new people are lucky enough to hear me speak (a rare honor) in the vicinity of people who already like me, they are likely to hear words/conversations that sound like word salad. Example topics/quotes:

• "If you were an animal, you'd be a horse." "Yeah, a Clydesdale. You'd bring the beer. The Bud. The fuckin' King of Beer."
• "Yeah, Jafar was based on Prince. Probably "Purple Rain". You KNOW he was into kinky shit." -Discussing the sex lives of Disney villains
• "Who's Wilson Phillips?" "Just two dudes named Phillip and their buddy Wilson."
• Day of All the Blood
• Usher
• Aaron Rodger's facial hair
• Teen Girl Squad
• Harry Potter: "Accio cute boy! Bedroom of requirement!"
• Toddlers and Tiaras
• ++++MORE++++

3. My friends are too goddamn attractive for my own good. It's no use having a wingman who looks like modeling is their fucking day job. Even the most sparkling~* personalities cannot compete with super attractive friends. When I am out in social scenarios with any of my friends and accomplices, I regress to feeling like "kind of smart, mostly weird" friend (see #2). It's like the Lion King "Circle of Life", but "Circle of Awkward", as sung by me. In the shower.

4. Here are things I do in public (or semi-public): 

It is important to note that yes, the degree of odd varies in this upside-down pyramid of photos. However, it is also important to note that these are all staged photographed moments. Thank goodness candids are rare in my life.

Now, I need to be clear that I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel pouty or especially lonely, and I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone, even though being unpopular is basically a disease. A chronic disease, that will eventually take my life. Like the series finale of Gossip Girl. I will always have my friends who appreciate/contribute to my word salad and still like me. I have Beyonce, who sings "Ego" to me three times in a row, so I feel like a boss. I have Kelis, who sings "Bossy" to me another three times, so I am reminded to kick some social ass before I leave the house. Every. Single. Day.

Fashion Werewolf: a very personal plague

I am almost constantly (read: never) approached by people for the plethora of fabricated mythology I know about two things: werewolves and vortexes. Today, after my years of research, I finally experienced something that was clearly one or the other.

Here's how this shit when down (you might need some eery music in the background): I went to the mall, on the seemingly innocent mission of buying some black pants, because my life sucks and all I ever get to wear is black. One job with a Bar Mitzvah uniform, one job with a funeral uniform. Eternal sadness and pre-pubescent masculinity all up in my wardrobe.

ANYWAY. I parked by non-threatening Boston Store. Non-threatening MY ASS. I walked in to a slew of Betsey Johnson purses and immediately forgot my identity, what I was looking for, and where I was. I walked out with a Boston Store credit card (what the shit?) and the following items:

Alright, there are some things we need to note about these purchases. First of all, none of them are pants. Three of them are kind of pants, but not to be worn out of the house without other pants. NOT EVEN A SKIRT. I did SO BAD. Next, THREE pairs of Packer underwear?! And they have vaguely slutty phrases on them? Who am I? "Let's huddle"?! That doesn't even mean anything. Unless you are actually talking about football (which I know you aren't, Victoria), that doesn't mean anything.

My main issue with all of this is the feeling I had when I walked out of the mall. Holding bags of shit, completely dazed as to how it got there. "You mean... I exchanged money... for this?" I asked myself, probably aloud on accident in the parking lot. When I got home and examined my purchases, I was not necessarily so much disappointed as surprised. I have only three rational explanations for this occurrence.

1. I was drugged. Somewhere between work and home and the bank and the mall, I was drugged and forced to spend my hard-earned money. It was probably Boston Store!! They have so much perfume and whatnot everywhere and it was drugged and now I have a credit card I have to cancel (but, guys, I got 20% off).
2. VORTEX. I don't know much about vortexes, but I am 98% sure that, based on everything I just made up about them, the mall is one. You walk in, walk around in a daze, and aliens sell you things. Everyone who works at the mall is an alien. You can quote me on that.
3. I am a fashion werewolf. What is a fashion werewolf? Perhaps one of the most specific kinds of werewolves, it occurs when a vulnerable (read: bitter and bloodthirsty) individual enters a shopping mall. It's like a full moon all the time in there, bitches, and you best watch out. You lose control of your body and your wallet and buy as much as you can carry until your inner willpower finally gets you the hell out of there roughly two hours later. It's like a battleground in there, I say based on nothing.

I'm guessing that it was explanation #3, since I came out dazed and covered in the blood of the innocent. But, like a lady Remus Lupin, I feel at least kind of bad about it.

...And, BAM! Still worked in a Harry Potter reference.

How You Can Tell We're Best Friends

Yesterday, my best girl, Kaitlin, departed for her year of studying abroad in England. (Click her name for her blog!) While I am so, so happy and excited for her, obviously her departure prompted me to pout for a solid 24ish hours. However, during my poutfest, I was also prompted to consider what has made my friendships, not only with Kaitlin, so great. I feel like I am constantly talking about one of my "best friends", but I'm not even a very popular person. Thus, I have compiled this list of things that have actually happened that have helped me to determine what it means to me to be my best friend. Enjoy the list, kiddos.

WE ARE PROBABLY BEST FRIENDS IF:
-I have ever texted you saying I was stressed and you ask if you can order me cinnastix
-we have had marathons of stupid YouTube videos/weird TV shows until nearly sunrise
-we have ever agreed on topics to never discuss due to embarrassment and followed through
-you know that when the rule of secrets applies to not telling your significant other without asking
-my parents have your picture on the fridge (or vice versa)
-you have driven my sorry ass to the impound lot (more than once, shit)
-we have made picnics out of limited rations, meaning we mostly just took some bread and meat and ate it outside
-you have seen me cry, which I almost forgot because you know not to mention it ever
-we have had creepy telepathic moments
-we have listened to the same Usher song on repeat until we move on to the next Usher song we desire
-you have traveled cross-country to see me (or vice versa)
-we have spent days in the car together and don't hate each other and actually might love each other more because of it
-you play music with me
-I have sat in your bathroom for over an hour whilst drunky, and you have left your own party to sit on the floor and talk to me
-you have called me in the middle of the night upset about something, and my spidey senses allowed me to wake up (I normally sleep through any/everything)
-you have my Facebook password so no one sends creepy shit at me if I die
-you call me on my shit, but in a delicate enough manner so I don't freak out
-I have called you when I walk somewhere by myself after dark, for safety
-probably other weird, embarrassing things

While most of these things are probably too embarrassing for the internet, BUT I can and will take solace in the fact that at least one other person was involved in all these encounters.

PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF OF FRIENDSHIPS:

I'm a cynical asshole most of the time, but I am somehow still blessed with some of the most wonderful people in my life ever. Which is cool, because based on the thunder outside, I am probably going to die tonight. RIP.

Fall, Falling, Fell

Today was the first legitimately chilly day of autumn, a topic of mixed feelings in my life. They're mostly positive, what with the reintroduction of sweaters and knee socks and my leather jacket into my wardrobe. However, I forgot how... cold... it is. My classic "no pants after 9" rule has been replaced by "it's really cold, put some extra pants on and maybe some socks". I am fairly certain that my feelings on pants have already been expressed in this forum, so you know that this is my personal hell.

Fall also brings back one of my main loves into my life, television. The series premiere of Up All Night with Will Arnett and people who matter less was tonight, and I am surprised at myself that I liked it as much as I did. Arnett is a no-brainer, but I am naturally averse to shows/movies/lifestyles where a baby is the center of the plot. I also Hulu'd the series premiere of New Girl with Zooey Deschanel, which I am 99% sure is a reverse-nerd version of The Big Bang Theory. If that's the case, I will find it endearing, but inevitably give up after 1.5 seasons. PROPHECY'd! Until then, sure, whatever. Next week is much more important, since Parks and Recreation returns and I can continue my lessons on how to be Amy Poehler when I grow up. So far, my notes say: Be really funny and nice and charming, try really hard. I am unsure I can accomplish this, but lo, I will try.

Anyway. All this being said, I hope those of you friends and creepy anonymous readers~* that are in school are having a good first couple of weeks. Do good at school. I will keep you updated on all the television programming you don't have time to watch because you're doing homework.

In the next few weeks, look out of a blog makeover. Potentially a new name and other cool features (not really about cool features). Have a lovely day/evening/mid-afternoon!