Serious Girlfriend Potential

In an effort to be an equal opportunity blog, I offer this: ladies I would like to date, thank you. I'm equally shallow toward both genders, do not fear.

Candidate #1:

Name: Aubrey Plaza

Profession: Actress/Dark Angel/Gothic Princess

Babest quality: Girl makes people so uncomfortable that they feel compelled to write a character for her. Her deadpan delivery and the fact that she is clearly the weirdest human makes her the babest babe. Also, her face.

Research Material: Parks and Rec, forever. Safety Not Guaranteed, where you will be forced to feel feelings forever. Music video for "Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings" by Father John Misty. Any late night interview she participates in.

Candidate #2:

Name: Jenny Lewis

Profession: Singer/Ginger

Babest Quality: THAT VOICE, ugh. Her songwriting ability is amazing, no matter what project she is working on, though I prefer the country twang Lewis. Also, whatever voodoo she does as a petite woman to make it look like she has legs for miles.

Research Material: I personally recommend "More Adventurous" from Rilo Kiley, and her first solo album (with the Watson Twins) "Rabbit Fur Coat".

Candidate #3:

Name: Amy Poehler

Profession: Comedian/Actress/Writer/Director/Literally Everything Cool

Babest Quality: Smart Girls at the Party. Amy and two of her best friends made this internet show that interviews girls who are passionate about everything from hip hop to yoga to basically everything. It encourages girls to be themselves, and that being unique is actually awesome and doesn't make you lame. I may or may not have teared up at an episode or four. Amy also does advice videos, and they are equally precious. There's all that, and I would argue that she's the funniest woman of ever. There, I said it.

Research Material: ABOVE LINK. All her SNL characters (esp. Kaitlin). Any interview she does with husband Will Arnett. Just everything.

Candidate #4:

Name: Carey Mulligan

Profession: Actress

Babest Quality: When she's on screen, it's impossible to take your eyes off her. Basically, she's a suspiciously good actress and suspiciously able to pull off any hair style really, really well. THUS, her babest quality is clearly whatever witchcraft she practices, because it is WORKING.

Research Material: An Education, which may or may not still be on Netflix. Never Let Me Go. Like... any picture of her face.

Candidate #5:

Name: Lizzy Caplan

Profession: Actress/JANIS IAN FROM MEAN GIRLS

Babest Quality: Soso funny, soso versatile. I would argue some of the best comedic timing in film/TV. She was in Mean Girls, which I didn't even realize until well after I had established myself as a straight up fan. Also, her drugged-up sex scenes in True Blood included swimming in the air through a mystical forest, so that was... a thing. Then all of Party Down.

Research Material: All of Party Down. Her couple of episodes on New Girl. Mean Girls, three times in a row. Season one of True Blood (then just stop watching).

Who Will Narrate Your Life

EDIT: I FORGOT CATE BLANCHETT
Holy shit, if you want Cate Blanchett you narrate your life, that means you are AWESOME and like ADVENTURE and the ELVISH LANGUAGE and if you cry, your cry ELEGANTLY. I am so pissed I forgot this. You are also vaguely terrifying!!! Well, bye.

Morgan Freeman
What it says about you: You cocky piece of shit. You think your life is awesome enough that [someone that played] GOD should narrate it?! No. I used to think I was good enough for ol' Morgy Boy, but then I looked down and saw the pizza sauce on my shirt and realized that Morgan Freeman is too good to narrate me trolling Reddit for four hours. Two hours, maybe, and if I washed my shirt, but there's a line, and I am usually way over it. Frankly, you probably are too. Lower your bar, friend. Lower your bar.

Alec Baldwin
What it says about you: Understated, but still has a certain level of gravitas. Likely chosen because he narrated The Royal Tenenbaums, but acceptable just because the voice of a 1950s newscaster who has been smoking since he was a toddler. The Wes Anderson connection makes me think you may be a wee bit pretentious, but I get it. Live your life.

Martin Sheen
What it says about you: If you see "Martin Sheen" and go straight to The West Wing, stop reading now. For who's left: God bless you forever for wanting the narrator of Ken Burns' The Civil War series to narrate your life. You are the coolest. Don't let anyone or any empirical evidence let you believe otherwise.

Tyra Banks
What it says about you: You are a flamboyant gay man.

Bill Nye
What it says about you: SCIENCE. This choice is only appropriate if you are a super enthusiastic person, because I imagine Bill Nye says everything like it's written in CAPS lock with an exclamation point at the end. This is based purely on his show made for youths, the fake Bill Nye Twitter account, and a dream I maintain in my heart.

Lindsay Lohan (circa Mean Girls)
What it says about you: Dramatic, breathy, yet sarcastic. You probably view things slightly more over-the-top than need be, but you're pretty and aren't drug-addled yet, so good job! 2004 was a good year.

Sarah McLachlan
What it says about you: If you think this is an acceptable choice, you clearly think I am referring to her lovely singing voice and not her evil, evil PAWS commercials showing abused dogs. Lady, I'm just trying to watch Swamp People, and now I'm sobbing. I assume if you want this bitch narrating your life, you like making yourself and other people cry. You are a bully. Feelings are hard.